Everything Has Changed

I found myself today realizing that my life as I know it won't be the same for much longer. Everything is changing, or at least a lot of it. Suddenly school is getting out in less than two months and that means basically that is the last time I will walk the halls of my high school as a student, as I'm doing running start next year. I tried eating with another friend at lunch this week and that has been a huge change. All of these changes and one event in my European Studies class got me thinking.
So here's how it went down. I was sitting in my sit flipping through my planner when I came across one blank day, the first Friday in January. I tried to remember why I hadn't filled it out. That's when it occurred to me. That was the week I finally figured everything out in regards to my panic attacks (See my post My Story for more details). I looked at that Wednesday and all the memories started flooding back to me. I then looked to the Tuesday and this thought occurred in my mind: Did I realize I had less than 24 hours before my life was about to throw me a curve ball?
That thought got me thinking of all the days in my life that would change everything. Because that's all it takes really. Not even that. How long does it take to say a sentence? Less than a minute?
And the memories start to flood back to me in what seems like a random order. Sitting on the couch being told my mom has cancer. Meeting certain friends for the first time. Walking into a classroom that would forever change my perspective on life.
All of these bits and pieces of my life that somehow add up to the person that I am today, sitting here in my bed typing this blog post. This person that I struggle with, this person that sometimes I wish would just leave me alone. But that isn't physically possible, is it? The one person we have to get along with is ourselves, because that is the one person we can never be separated from. And even when we feel broken or useless or just plain tired we will recover. How do I know this? You've made it this far, haven't you.
Sometimes when I'm having a particularly hard day, like today, I think about this photo above. When I'm sitting in a test and totally blanking, which managed to happen to me twice today, I think about this. I think about how I only have to make it a few more weeks before I go into college classes. I think about how one test isn't going to determine my future, and if it does then I'm not so sure that's exactly what I was to do with my life. I'm not going to Yale or Harvard or anything like that, I don't need straight A's. And with my half-birthday coming up I'm suddenly 6 months closer to being 17. And as much as that scares me, it's also kind of exciting. At least for about the first month suddenly I won't be in the same routine every day 9 months out of the year. I'll have 3 classes for 11 weeks and then a week off and then suddenly I'll have 3 new classes. This transition takes me just one step closer to adulthood, to being out of my teens and independent and such. Sometimes my mind wanders that far into the future, as it did today, but for right now I just have to take it one day at a time.

~MG