My Story

So as many of you who have been following my blog know what's been going on in my life these past couple months, I think it's time to tell the people I'm close enough to to accept their friend request to know. Pretty much this sums up the last few months of posts...

It all started back in I believe November. I was sitting in math class, 1st period. All of the sudden I started to shake, not a lot but enough that it was hard to write, I felt sick, my entire body felt like that feeling when your foot falls asleep. I had to stand up in the middle of class and ask to go to the nurse. I thought I was dying, I thought my appendix had burst, I thought more thoughts in those few minutes than probably I have my entire life. So I went to the nurse, told them my symptoms, and they told me to lie down. They said if I wasn't any better in 10 minutes to go home. Eventually I was able to go back to class, I got a lot of weird looks, and felt fine the rest of the day.

A few weeks later that same feeling came over me as I was walking into Spanish, and then I was fine. I told my mom and she talked it over with my aunt, a nurse, and we figured it was nothing.

Shortly after winter break I was sitting in Chemistry taking notes when the feeling came over me again. I was about to ask to go to the nurse when the bell rang and I felt better. I still went to the nurse just in case. They told me the same 10 minute thing again, but I only had 1 period left so I decided to go back to class. As soon as I got in I knew it was a bad idea. Within a few minutes I was back down in the nurses office calling my mom in tears.

It was that day we finally figured out what was going on. Those episodes I was having were panic attacks. And this was just getting started.

I went back to school the next day and was sitting in 2nd period when an attack came on. I tried to deal, I went to the bathroom and tried to wait it out, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to stop them. I went home and didn't go to school the next day.

Finally I was able to get some medicine to stop my panic attacks and learned ways to stop them if they did happen. I was doing fine until the side effects started to kick in. Nausea. I was nauseous that whole month I was on it, and it was awful.

Eventually I got off that medicine and was put on a different one, but the nausea decided to stay. How nice of it right? The nausea made me more and more anxious until finally it came to the point where I feared leaving the house.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still don't know a ton about it but at least I now know what it is.

This is currently where I'm at. Feeling sick every time I leave the house, every time I think about leaving the house. Thankfully I have some wonderful people I would like to quickly mention.

First off, my wonderful parents who push me to still go to church and eat and hang out with friends. They are always there for me and I know they won't let me quit.

Two shout outs to fellow students. Laura, I would like to thank you so much for pushing me to eat at lunch. You don't know how helpful it is to know someone cares and someone wants me to get better. And Elle, when I left class for a few minutes and came back right before the bell to find you packing my stuff for me and asking if I was okay, I nearly cried with joy. You two have no idea how much your actions mean to me.

If you've read this far I'm impressed! Really quick I would just like to say that while I'm struggling with this I'm trying to be grateful it is something I can overcome. And I think that is a wonderful lesson. While you may be stressing about a test or something at work, try and remember somebody has it worse. That doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't suck, but it could always get worse. Remember we only get one shot at this, why waste it feeling sorry for yourself?



~MG

Quick Update and 2 Videos You Need To See

So it's break this week and so I've been reflecting a bit on the last month and while I was on youtube I found two videos from the youtubers I love and wanted to share both the videos and why I want to share them with you.

Markiplier Pursuit of Happiness Vlog

I'm afraid I have to link it, just putting in the video provided some technical difficulties. Anyways, this video was one of the first I saw today and I'm really glad it was. Let me tell you why. As you may know I suffer from panic attacks. Well two days ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. In truth I still don't really know that much about it but from my understanding basically I'm anxious all the time over anything. So I was on a medication for a month to see if it would help my attacks. In a way, it did. However it made me feel so sick that I eventually had to cut down my dose and thus the attacks started to come back. I was still going to school every day while feeling like I was either going to throw up, thanks to the meds, or have a heart attack, thanks to the panic attacks. So let's just say it was a pretty bad month. But in a way, I learned that no matter how bad things got, no matter how many times I wanted to give up and become agoraphobic (when you don't leave the house), someone was always there for me. I started telling more and more people and once I did I got a great support system both at school and in my friends.

That got a little rambly so let me tie this back to the video. I have been a fan of Markiplier for a year or two now, and while sometimes he swears-ok more than sometimes- he provided me with not only the humor I needed but also the inspiration. This video is a prime example of the reason I still watch his videos. He really believes that we can do anything, and that was the thing I needed to hear, and I think we all need to hear. Sometimes we feel as if we don't matter, but we do. We can all make a change and like Mark said, "no matter how hard it may seem, the only thing you have to do is start."

Next video!!
CallMeKevin Let's talk about... Positivity and Trust Vlog

Ok so I've been following Kevin for longer than I have Mark. My brother and I started watching him when we were younger and I've been a dedicated fan ever since. I really like the message of this video, even if you think the whole world is against you, it really isn't. And while it isn't always best to have so much trust, the truth is there are more good people than bad, and that is good news. Kevin's positive outlook helps me to stay happy and realize that if I'm not ok, I don't have to pretend I am. Even if that means letting people in.



Thank you very much for reading,

~MG

Panic! My Story with Panic Attacks

So a little glimpse into what I've been going through the last month or so. 

A month or two ago I had my first episode. I was sitting in math and suddenly my side hurt, my body started to tingle and I felt nauseous. I went to the nurse and they told me to lay down and if I didn't feel better in 10 minutes to call my mom. After laying there for a few minutes I felt better and went to class. I forgot about this day until I was walking into Spanish about 3 weeks later and my body started to tingle again and a wave a nausea fled over me. I told my mom and we called my aunt, a nurse. She figured since my episodes were so far apart it was probably nothing. 

I forgot all about my episodes until last Wednesday at the end of 5th period I felt nauseous again, my body started to tingle and my limbs felt weak. As soon as the bell rang a few seconds later I felt better, but scared I went to the nurse and went home. It was then that my mom looked up the symptoms for panic attacks. My symptoms fit exactly. I figured the next day wouldn't be so bad. I walked into math and felt a bit nauseous most of the time, but overall I felt okay. Then I got into social studies and while taking notes the nausea came back and so did the tingling. I went to the bathroom and started to cry. I texted my mom to come pick me up. I didn't go to school at all Friday. 

I used to be able to count my attacks, but now I've lost count. I have I'd say 3-6 a day, with many mini ones not included. 

Today I had my longest episode ever in QFC. It lasted the whole time we were in there. I lost track of the minutes. It felt like forever. Every time I felt better the tingling would come back and I had to try and focus on not throwing up or falling over from my weak knees. I got over it once we got home, but not until then. 

So if you see me at school I may be actually having an attack, generally you can tell if I'm not really focusing and breathing deeply. Mostly though you can't tell. Usually the only thing you can do is offer to hold my hand while it passes, something along those lines, or just ignore me all together unless I ask for help. Whatever you do, don't tell me nothing is wrong or just calm down. I know nothing is wrong and if I could just calm down I would. 

I have yet to figure out the trigger of the attacks, at the moment they seem to be random. 

Thanks for listening. I want to explain this as little as possible, talking about it sometimes brings on some anxiety for me. 

Love you all, 

~MG