Weight Watchers and Health Update

Hello everyone!

I wanted to give you all an update on how weight watchers is going and some other health news. I am officially down 12 pounds!! It feels so nice to continue seeing the scale go down and just feeling better about myself. While eating better has been hard, especially since I moved to an apartment June 1st and trying to cook while unpacking is so difficult when you are down the street from fast food! There are days, or sometimes a stretch of days, where eating is more of a battle. For example, we had a coffee truck today at my work and I got an iced mocha and it was so good! Also a resident brought in chocolate for us and it's just sitting there behind me... 

Anyways, I have another health update that has been a long time coming. The 2 years I was off at college I gained over 60 pounds. I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't know what. I was so tired I could take a 4 hour nap and sleep all night and still be exhausted. People would tell me I was just sleeping too much so I would stay up late and watch Netflix or try not to nap and be just as exhausted, if not more so. It got to the point where I was falling asleep in classes. I couldn't do any clubs or activities since I was already having a hard enough time just trying to stay up for classes. I constantly slept through meals and had little to no appetite. I struggled with pain on top of this, not extreme pain but enough that it bothered me. Anywhere on my upper body that I pressed on felt like I had a bruise. So much so that I was convinced on my 19th birthday when I pressed on my back that I had another kidney infection I went to urgent care (happy birthday to me). 

Exhaustion ruled my life and I was tired of it. At the end of my first year of college I started being tested for hormone issues. I thought I had cushing's disease, something that made you gain weight from too much cortisone. After months of tests nothing came of it, and the doctor told me to repeat the expensive tests in 6 months if I still had the same symptoms. I came home for the summer feeling defeated. I had tried to get an ESA but Central told me that the dog would not be allowed in classes, where I needed the support. I was lonely, tired, and just plain miserable. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or if I would even be able to do anything. Sure I was a good student, but what if that was all I was good at? Studying for tests and writing essays, that was what I knew I was good at. 

Starting my last year of college I continued to gain weight and sleep all day. I ended up dropping out of a class my last quarter because I simply lacked the energy it required to do the leadership class, something I have enjoyed and participated in since elementary school in student government. I thought that since I didn't have a job that was why I was so tired, not having a purpose and just sleeping because it was something to do. However, after graduating and starting my job leasing apartments, my energy has continued to decline. I have continued to get tested for all sorts of things, most recently hemochromatosis (too much iron) and thyroid issues again. As of yesterday, I think I finally have an answer, though it was not the answer I was hoping for. After seeing a naturopath starting a few months ago, a doctor who finally took me seriously, I am starting treatment for fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder that causes exhaustion and pain. 

I wanted to share my story because it took years for me to get some sort of diagnosis, lots of anxiety and for a doctor to take me seriously and not just run tests and then give up on me. I have struggled, and will likely continue to struggle with energy and mild pain that has limited my life and am so happy I was persistent and didn't take no for an answer. I am hoping that my energy improves in the next few months and I am able to stay longer at the dog park on Sundays and just enjoy life more. 

~MG

High School, College and Life Update

  Okay so there are a few things I want to cover in this post. A little bit about my school life, some details on how I am doing with my anxiety, and some other general stuff. There might even be a rant about windows 10 in here....
  Today I started winter quarter, which also happens to be my second to last quarter until I graduate high school! *Insert confetti and balloons here* 2017 is finally here, the year I've been defined by my entire life. 2017 always seemed so far away, I can still remember posing in a giant 17 with all the other members of the 5th grade at my school thinking I would never graduate. Time just went so slowly back then, while now it months seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's just me, but graduation day isn't something I look forward to. Graduating, yes, but graduation, no thank you. Perhaps it's that most of my experience at high school I was either in a state of panic (thanks anxiety) or worrying about how my mom was doing after a chemo treatment. Perhaps it's because of all of the drama with people or how much more I enjoyed college classes and how I could actually study what I wanted to. My parents already know that the only reason I'm attending high school graduation is for them, and honestly I would rather be home studying for my college finals which are the week after. When I get there I have a feeling it will be fine, and hopefully I sit next to someone I don't know, which isn't hard in a class of 500+. I didn't even know everyone at my 5th grade graduation, so I have a feeling it will be a lot of names I don't know. For me graduation will represent not only being free from high school but also from the insane atmosphere of my school district. I cannot even describe how damaging I think the way my school district is run to students physical and mental health. This could be a whole other post, but basically the gist is that kids are getting overworked, not sleeping enough due to massive amounts of homework, and having so much pressure that it is no wonder so many kids have anxiety and depression here.
  The main reason I actually wrote this post was to talk about something that I've debated putting on here for a very long time. So here it is. December 31st, 2016 was the third anniversary of my last official self-harming session. I have no scars, so it was easy to keep hidden. I try to be pretty open about my anxiety, but for some reason self-harming is still something I have a hard time owning up to. It was something I was ashamed of for a very long time, but being that it has been three years now I think it's about time I start talking about it. Self-harming is not something to be ashamed of. Now I'm not saying its a good thing, but for people who have done it or actively self-harm it isn't something we should have to hide. Self-harming, at least for me, was as a result of my anxiety and depression, a lot of which came from school. I was in almost all the honors classes in middle school, when I first started, and the pressure started to get to me. I got my first A- out of a class and I broke down. Then in 8th grade I started Spanish. No matter how much I studied, I would often get D's or F's on tests. Granted I got a C out of the class which wasn't all that bad, I couldn't cope. I had never gotten a poor score before, and couldn't see how things would get better as school kept getting harder. Self-harming was a punishment, a way to let out my frustration, or just something to do. I remember once doing it when I was on the phone. For me I hid most of my cuts, but there were times when people saw and didn't do anything. That was what bothered me the most. PE teachers would see them as I had to wear short sleeves in that class, I wrote that I cut in the little bio we had to turn into the counselors at the start of 8th grade and no one contacted me, etc. I remember many times having cuts and my mom dragging me clothes shopping, as I hate that most of all, and only trying on clothes that would cover up my cuts and making sure to be able to not need any help in the dressing room. Basically what I'm saying is that while it's something I regret doing, I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It was a part of my mental health journey and throughout all the hell I've gone through these past few years with panic attacks and agoraphobia I have never cut once. Have I thought about it? Heck yeah, but it gets easier to focus on other things the more years pass. Telling my mom I self-harmed is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I wish I had someone to help me figure out how to approach her. I still haven't given her very many details, and couldn't own up to how long I had been doing it (I think it was 2 1/2 years at that point, but I believe I only admitted to a few months). I will be posting some resources at the bottom of this post, but the thing that helped me the most was the Butterfly project. I will link a description of that as well.
  Okay tiny windows 10 rant. We got an Xbox One Slim for Christmas, which still seems weird to me. I always feel like a spoiled rich kid when telling people that, but anyways that was our big gift. So we set it up and it has a windows 10 format. Which, btw Microsoft, sucks. So we set it up and there is this family settings thing. Despite being listed as an adult account, my internet now won't work on my laptop without getting 'parent's permission' first. It's a bit of a pain when I accidentally close the internet or something. So I get to have a fun night with my dad messing with my laptop trying to get my internet to work again. Right now I have to use his Microsoft account to get onto my laptop, which is fine but all my bookmarks and programs aren't on this account. :(
  Before I end this let me just give a little update on this quarter and my anxiety. My teachers and classes all seem really great. My anxiety was still pretty high today, but I managed to do alright this weekend which was surprising. I am glad that every quarter my anxiety seems to improve, and that I no longer have to constantly be moving to have something to focus on other than my anxiety and the nausea it produced.
  Also I created a master list of all the things I need to bring to college next year. I've picked my college officially so I know what climate to pack for which is nice. If anyone wants a copy of that let me know. I currently have it in a google doc but I can email the text or convert it to a word document.

National Suicide Prevention Line: Call 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
*online support is also available on this, click the link
Samaritans Crisis Response Hotline- (212) 673-3000
Other resources including teenage pregnancy and AIDS
Butterfly Project -note that there is a project by this same name that refers to the Holocaust, this is not what I'm referring to. 

Have a great day!!

~MG

Having Faith in the Dark

  Many of you know me, know I love dogs, know I love Xbox gaming, etc. But maybe something you didn't know is that I am a Christian, though I try and make it kind of hard to miss. I am a devoted follower of Christ and will be for the remainder of my life. However my struggle with God has been a long one, one that I know will continue for the rest of my life.

  It started when I was very young, first grade or so. I didn't really go to church much but friends brought me sometimes, so I at least knew a little about God and the Bible. My grandmother was suffering from terminal breast cancer, something I didn't quite fully understand at the time. I can still remember this little glass stone we had with an angel inside of it we used to rub when we prayed for her. In the end though, she lost her battle. I remember the wake, basically it's just a service with an open casket where people tell stories. I was too young to fully understand it at the time, I spent most of it playing barbies to be honest with you. If I close my eyes I'm back in that room, that room that I knew had a door leading to my grandmother's casket. I didn't understand death, I decided not to see her. The next day we went to the funeral, I remembered the smoke they used smelled bad and that I got to shake the pastor's hand. I can still remember not being able to wait to get out of the lunch afterwords because my parents were taking my brother and I to the toy store. It was only years later that her death finally registered. I can remember when I was probably 9-10 years old seeing a cancer treatment center ad on TV and crying. I remember being angry that she couldn't have gone there and been saved, couldn't have lived to see me again. That was one of my first doubts of God. 

  Fast forward a few years and the Rescission hits.  It was probably about 5th grade the first time I realized I couldn't do what the other kids could because we didn't have the money. We couldn't travel, we couldn't buy the newest gaming system or toy. I can still go right back into those moments when I was so angry that everyone else got to go away for spring break or have their mom home to greet them when they came back from school. And just when things finally started to look up we were sent right back down the same path. I was in 8th grade and went to church at least twice a month. I struggled with why God would let me suffer this way. My grades started to suffer for the first time in my life, everything seemed to be falling apart. 

  Finally by the start of my 9th grade year things started to look up. My parents both worked full-time, my brother and I were both in perfect health, everything was great. And then came one of the two periods of my life I will never forget. It was Christmas, everything was amazing. And then my mom got sick. She went into the doctor and when I came home exhausted from my first day of high school finals I got the worst news in my life. My mom had cancer. At that point I was ready to give up, give up on God, give up on myself, just give up. My mom had surgery and the results came back. She would have to go through radiation and chemo but she would live. She would live. I don't know if I've ever heard better words. My family grew closer during those months of chemo. We unified and we struggled and we fought, but in the end we emerged victorious. 

  Now for a quick recap of the post My Story I posted a few months ago. I was in math class back in November and I started to feel very strange. Little did I know this was only the beginning. After a few more weeks of on and off 'episodes' I found out I was having anxiety/panic attacks. It became hard for me to leave the house, it was even hard for me in the house. I was constantly at war with myself and the only place I found joy was in my sleep. I was, again, ready to give up. Where was God and why would he do this to me? Why would he allow me to go through this, what had I done to deserve this?

  I finally reached a conclusion that I still struggle with. If bad things didn't happen everyone would have the same story and that would be boring. If I hadn't gone through the struggles I had I wouldn't be the person I am today. If Ellen DeGeneres hadn't had the life she had and ended with her not only coming out on TV but playing a gay character, the world might not be the same as it is today. Our stories are what help us to change the world, and God knows that. It's just a matter of trusting God that what he has planned for you isn't the end, but instead just the beginning...

My Story

So as many of you who have been following my blog know what's been going on in my life these past couple months, I think it's time to tell the people I'm close enough to to accept their friend request to know. Pretty much this sums up the last few months of posts...

It all started back in I believe November. I was sitting in math class, 1st period. All of the sudden I started to shake, not a lot but enough that it was hard to write, I felt sick, my entire body felt like that feeling when your foot falls asleep. I had to stand up in the middle of class and ask to go to the nurse. I thought I was dying, I thought my appendix had burst, I thought more thoughts in those few minutes than probably I have my entire life. So I went to the nurse, told them my symptoms, and they told me to lie down. They said if I wasn't any better in 10 minutes to go home. Eventually I was able to go back to class, I got a lot of weird looks, and felt fine the rest of the day.

A few weeks later that same feeling came over me as I was walking into Spanish, and then I was fine. I told my mom and she talked it over with my aunt, a nurse, and we figured it was nothing.

Shortly after winter break I was sitting in Chemistry taking notes when the feeling came over me again. I was about to ask to go to the nurse when the bell rang and I felt better. I still went to the nurse just in case. They told me the same 10 minute thing again, but I only had 1 period left so I decided to go back to class. As soon as I got in I knew it was a bad idea. Within a few minutes I was back down in the nurses office calling my mom in tears.

It was that day we finally figured out what was going on. Those episodes I was having were panic attacks. And this was just getting started.

I went back to school the next day and was sitting in 2nd period when an attack came on. I tried to deal, I went to the bathroom and tried to wait it out, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to stop them. I went home and didn't go to school the next day.

Finally I was able to get some medicine to stop my panic attacks and learned ways to stop them if they did happen. I was doing fine until the side effects started to kick in. Nausea. I was nauseous that whole month I was on it, and it was awful.

Eventually I got off that medicine and was put on a different one, but the nausea decided to stay. How nice of it right? The nausea made me more and more anxious until finally it came to the point where I feared leaving the house.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still don't know a ton about it but at least I now know what it is.

This is currently where I'm at. Feeling sick every time I leave the house, every time I think about leaving the house. Thankfully I have some wonderful people I would like to quickly mention.

First off, my wonderful parents who push me to still go to church and eat and hang out with friends. They are always there for me and I know they won't let me quit.

Two shout outs to fellow students. Laura, I would like to thank you so much for pushing me to eat at lunch. You don't know how helpful it is to know someone cares and someone wants me to get better. And Elle, when I left class for a few minutes and came back right before the bell to find you packing my stuff for me and asking if I was okay, I nearly cried with joy. You two have no idea how much your actions mean to me.

If you've read this far I'm impressed! Really quick I would just like to say that while I'm struggling with this I'm trying to be grateful it is something I can overcome. And I think that is a wonderful lesson. While you may be stressing about a test or something at work, try and remember somebody has it worse. That doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't suck, but it could always get worse. Remember we only get one shot at this, why waste it feeling sorry for yourself?



~MG

Quick Update and 2 Videos You Need To See

So it's break this week and so I've been reflecting a bit on the last month and while I was on youtube I found two videos from the youtubers I love and wanted to share both the videos and why I want to share them with you.

Markiplier Pursuit of Happiness Vlog

I'm afraid I have to link it, just putting in the video provided some technical difficulties. Anyways, this video was one of the first I saw today and I'm really glad it was. Let me tell you why. As you may know I suffer from panic attacks. Well two days ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. In truth I still don't really know that much about it but from my understanding basically I'm anxious all the time over anything. So I was on a medication for a month to see if it would help my attacks. In a way, it did. However it made me feel so sick that I eventually had to cut down my dose and thus the attacks started to come back. I was still going to school every day while feeling like I was either going to throw up, thanks to the meds, or have a heart attack, thanks to the panic attacks. So let's just say it was a pretty bad month. But in a way, I learned that no matter how bad things got, no matter how many times I wanted to give up and become agoraphobic (when you don't leave the house), someone was always there for me. I started telling more and more people and once I did I got a great support system both at school and in my friends.

That got a little rambly so let me tie this back to the video. I have been a fan of Markiplier for a year or two now, and while sometimes he swears-ok more than sometimes- he provided me with not only the humor I needed but also the inspiration. This video is a prime example of the reason I still watch his videos. He really believes that we can do anything, and that was the thing I needed to hear, and I think we all need to hear. Sometimes we feel as if we don't matter, but we do. We can all make a change and like Mark said, "no matter how hard it may seem, the only thing you have to do is start."

Next video!!
CallMeKevin Let's talk about... Positivity and Trust Vlog

Ok so I've been following Kevin for longer than I have Mark. My brother and I started watching him when we were younger and I've been a dedicated fan ever since. I really like the message of this video, even if you think the whole world is against you, it really isn't. And while it isn't always best to have so much trust, the truth is there are more good people than bad, and that is good news. Kevin's positive outlook helps me to stay happy and realize that if I'm not ok, I don't have to pretend I am. Even if that means letting people in.



Thank you very much for reading,

~MG

Panic! My Story with Panic Attacks

So a little glimpse into what I've been going through the last month or so. 

A month or two ago I had my first episode. I was sitting in math and suddenly my side hurt, my body started to tingle and I felt nauseous. I went to the nurse and they told me to lay down and if I didn't feel better in 10 minutes to call my mom. After laying there for a few minutes I felt better and went to class. I forgot about this day until I was walking into Spanish about 3 weeks later and my body started to tingle again and a wave a nausea fled over me. I told my mom and we called my aunt, a nurse. She figured since my episodes were so far apart it was probably nothing. 

I forgot all about my episodes until last Wednesday at the end of 5th period I felt nauseous again, my body started to tingle and my limbs felt weak. As soon as the bell rang a few seconds later I felt better, but scared I went to the nurse and went home. It was then that my mom looked up the symptoms for panic attacks. My symptoms fit exactly. I figured the next day wouldn't be so bad. I walked into math and felt a bit nauseous most of the time, but overall I felt okay. Then I got into social studies and while taking notes the nausea came back and so did the tingling. I went to the bathroom and started to cry. I texted my mom to come pick me up. I didn't go to school at all Friday. 

I used to be able to count my attacks, but now I've lost count. I have I'd say 3-6 a day, with many mini ones not included. 

Today I had my longest episode ever in QFC. It lasted the whole time we were in there. I lost track of the minutes. It felt like forever. Every time I felt better the tingling would come back and I had to try and focus on not throwing up or falling over from my weak knees. I got over it once we got home, but not until then. 

So if you see me at school I may be actually having an attack, generally you can tell if I'm not really focusing and breathing deeply. Mostly though you can't tell. Usually the only thing you can do is offer to hold my hand while it passes, something along those lines, or just ignore me all together unless I ask for help. Whatever you do, don't tell me nothing is wrong or just calm down. I know nothing is wrong and if I could just calm down I would. 

I have yet to figure out the trigger of the attacks, at the moment they seem to be random. 

Thanks for listening. I want to explain this as little as possible, talking about it sometimes brings on some anxiety for me. 

Love you all, 

~MG