Finishing my Freshman/Junior Year of College

Wow, I'm almost done with my first year away at school! (Context, I did Running Start in High School so my first 2 years were done when I enrolled here at 18). After lots of computer troubles (thanks windows 10), plenty of homework, some amazing new friends, and too many naps to count,  I am coming up on my last few weeks here at Central for a while. Well, until the workshop I have here in July and having to sign my lease in August. It has been a year of growth and a few setbacks, but overall I came out the other side a better person and I am happy with the person I am becoming. We introduced a wonderful new family member after losing Sierra, June 24th is the first anniversary of her death. I know it will be a hard one, but AJ (and managing his Instagram, see link at end of post) has been a huge help. I get to work/intern at my high school job this summer and I can't wait to get back to my second family, both human and canine.

I have learned so many new things, and even have my own website that I post samples of my PR work to! I learned how to use this awesome website called Canva to create posters and social media posts which has been a huge help in the mock PR firm class I am in. Basically, we are a PR firm we just don't charge. I got into a workshop this summer on learning the ins and outs of the radio industry. It's strange that I'm starting to feel like an adult now, but at halfway through 19, that's a good thing.

Yes, there are lots of things I wish could've gone differently. Though there is a lot in my past that I wish could've gone differently too, most out of my control.  Everything I've gone through has made me a stronger and more compassionate person. Some of it sucked, but overall I'm grateful for them since they made me the strong woman I am today.

Being back in my hometown is going to be strange, but a good kind of strange. I'll have to get used to traffic again! Also, not using Fred Meyer as the mall will be a bit strange as well. The one around here has everything though! Perks of being in a college town I suppose. Not being just a dorm away from my friends will be strange too, but I will finally get a chance to catch up with my friends from home and not just on a weekend while trying to spend time with my family.

It's actually true though

Overall, I wasn't sure what to expect from this year but I came out the other side more like the person I want to be, and that's what really counts. Also, no parties, drugs, or alcohol for me. Just lots of naps, like seriously this bed is so cozy I kinda don't want to go back to my one at home. Plus, why go party when you can spend time with your best friend talking about books and dogs and school until your throat hurts because you have been talking for so long. Going back to school isn't something I'm dreading, but something I'm looking forward to. I can't wait to see what my senior year has in store for me.

~MG


AJ's Instagram is his racing name: springwateraj 

High School, College and Life Update

  Okay so there are a few things I want to cover in this post. A little bit about my school life, some details on how I am doing with my anxiety, and some other general stuff. There might even be a rant about windows 10 in here....
  Today I started winter quarter, which also happens to be my second to last quarter until I graduate high school! *Insert confetti and balloons here* 2017 is finally here, the year I've been defined by my entire life. 2017 always seemed so far away, I can still remember posing in a giant 17 with all the other members of the 5th grade at my school thinking I would never graduate. Time just went so slowly back then, while now it months seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's just me, but graduation day isn't something I look forward to. Graduating, yes, but graduation, no thank you. Perhaps it's that most of my experience at high school I was either in a state of panic (thanks anxiety) or worrying about how my mom was doing after a chemo treatment. Perhaps it's because of all of the drama with people or how much more I enjoyed college classes and how I could actually study what I wanted to. My parents already know that the only reason I'm attending high school graduation is for them, and honestly I would rather be home studying for my college finals which are the week after. When I get there I have a feeling it will be fine, and hopefully I sit next to someone I don't know, which isn't hard in a class of 500+. I didn't even know everyone at my 5th grade graduation, so I have a feeling it will be a lot of names I don't know. For me graduation will represent not only being free from high school but also from the insane atmosphere of my school district. I cannot even describe how damaging I think the way my school district is run to students physical and mental health. This could be a whole other post, but basically the gist is that kids are getting overworked, not sleeping enough due to massive amounts of homework, and having so much pressure that it is no wonder so many kids have anxiety and depression here.
  The main reason I actually wrote this post was to talk about something that I've debated putting on here for a very long time. So here it is. December 31st, 2016 was the third anniversary of my last official self-harming session. I have no scars, so it was easy to keep hidden. I try to be pretty open about my anxiety, but for some reason self-harming is still something I have a hard time owning up to. It was something I was ashamed of for a very long time, but being that it has been three years now I think it's about time I start talking about it. Self-harming is not something to be ashamed of. Now I'm not saying its a good thing, but for people who have done it or actively self-harm it isn't something we should have to hide. Self-harming, at least for me, was as a result of my anxiety and depression, a lot of which came from school. I was in almost all the honors classes in middle school, when I first started, and the pressure started to get to me. I got my first A- out of a class and I broke down. Then in 8th grade I started Spanish. No matter how much I studied, I would often get D's or F's on tests. Granted I got a C out of the class which wasn't all that bad, I couldn't cope. I had never gotten a poor score before, and couldn't see how things would get better as school kept getting harder. Self-harming was a punishment, a way to let out my frustration, or just something to do. I remember once doing it when I was on the phone. For me I hid most of my cuts, but there were times when people saw and didn't do anything. That was what bothered me the most. PE teachers would see them as I had to wear short sleeves in that class, I wrote that I cut in the little bio we had to turn into the counselors at the start of 8th grade and no one contacted me, etc. I remember many times having cuts and my mom dragging me clothes shopping, as I hate that most of all, and only trying on clothes that would cover up my cuts and making sure to be able to not need any help in the dressing room. Basically what I'm saying is that while it's something I regret doing, I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It was a part of my mental health journey and throughout all the hell I've gone through these past few years with panic attacks and agoraphobia I have never cut once. Have I thought about it? Heck yeah, but it gets easier to focus on other things the more years pass. Telling my mom I self-harmed is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I wish I had someone to help me figure out how to approach her. I still haven't given her very many details, and couldn't own up to how long I had been doing it (I think it was 2 1/2 years at that point, but I believe I only admitted to a few months). I will be posting some resources at the bottom of this post, but the thing that helped me the most was the Butterfly project. I will link a description of that as well.
  Okay tiny windows 10 rant. We got an Xbox One Slim for Christmas, which still seems weird to me. I always feel like a spoiled rich kid when telling people that, but anyways that was our big gift. So we set it up and it has a windows 10 format. Which, btw Microsoft, sucks. So we set it up and there is this family settings thing. Despite being listed as an adult account, my internet now won't work on my laptop without getting 'parent's permission' first. It's a bit of a pain when I accidentally close the internet or something. So I get to have a fun night with my dad messing with my laptop trying to get my internet to work again. Right now I have to use his Microsoft account to get onto my laptop, which is fine but all my bookmarks and programs aren't on this account. :(
  Before I end this let me just give a little update on this quarter and my anxiety. My teachers and classes all seem really great. My anxiety was still pretty high today, but I managed to do alright this weekend which was surprising. I am glad that every quarter my anxiety seems to improve, and that I no longer have to constantly be moving to have something to focus on other than my anxiety and the nausea it produced.
  Also I created a master list of all the things I need to bring to college next year. I've picked my college officially so I know what climate to pack for which is nice. If anyone wants a copy of that let me know. I currently have it in a google doc but I can email the text or convert it to a word document.

National Suicide Prevention Line: Call 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
*online support is also available on this, click the link
Samaritans Crisis Response Hotline- (212) 673-3000
Other resources including teenage pregnancy and AIDS
Butterfly Project -note that there is a project by this same name that refers to the Holocaust, this is not what I'm referring to. 

Have a great day!!

~MG

Starting Senior Year

  Three days from now I start my senior year of high school. This summer has been one of my most fulfilling and exciting ones yet. I worked full time at my job at a dog daycare, volunteered at girl scout camp like I do every summer, and that's about it. Working full time gave me a purpose I haven't felt in a long time. Plus I got to play with dogs all day, so huge bonus there. Work was stressful at times, and I always come home smelly and dirty, but I felt good at the end of the day.
Suddenly I'm forced to go back to school and finish my last year of high school. Suddenly every conversation is about college, my job, or scholarship deadlines. It feels as if I was given a glimpse at the happy Madison, the one who joked with her coworkers and always had a cute dog story. At the same time, I would be so tired by the end of the week I stopped hanging out or even texting my friends. While I am friends with my coworkers, we're at work and can't just sit and watch a movie. No I take that back, I have done that at work. We let the older dogs watch Disney movies and it's adorable.

  It's weird walking around town and thinking "hey isn't that, wait no, they're at college now. You probably won't see them around town for a while, if ever again." It's a weird feeling, knowing my childhood and everything in it is soon to be left behind. Even the house I grew up in and the dog that protected it are in their last years. I wasn't expecting to be so reflective this year, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the past and how things will never be like that again. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, everyone grows up, but I'll miss walking down to a friends house for a sleepover, or camping in the backyard with my family and our loyal protector who would probably sleep through anything. Everything is going to be gone, even my job. The job I love more than I thought one could love a job. Or the fact that when I have a bad dream my parents won't be down the hall to talk it over in the morning. So this year, I'm trying to focus on the present, all the things that aren't going to last, and make as many memories as I can.

  My internal dialogue keeps switching from "this year is going to be great, you'll make friends and get good grades," to "you can't do this. Why did you think you could do this? Nobody will want to be friends with you, you're to broken." I could go on, but you get the point. I am doing a lot better than I was even just a few months ago, like today when I was curled up in a ball in the shower from being sick to the stomach due to anxiety, instead of thinking "I can't do this," I thought, "how can I do this?" Despite the fact that everyday I get closer to school starting the more my stomach hurts, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't had a panic attack, nor have I cried about it (yet).
Sometimes I feel as thought the world is closing in around me, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and I can't breathe. Then suddenly I'm at work with dogs all around me, cuddling with me, kissing my face, and just being happy, I remember that it'll pass. I'll get through that first day of school, figuring out where to sit and when to leave for the bus. I'll get through the depression and the anxiety, the loneliness and the fear, because even when I'm having the worst day, I always get to go to work and snuggle with some dogs who love me no matter what.

~MG