Just Another Box on The Mantel

I met my grandfather (on my mother's side) a few months ago for the first time. He lives with us now, he doesn't talk much. Why? He's on the mantel in a box among photos and stained glass and vases. As I mentioned before I never met my grandfather. He died about a year before I was born so I rely mostly on what my relatives tell me. Does this bother me? Maybe a little but that's not why I'm writing this. So why am I? Let me tell you.
These last few months I've been living in constant fear, thanks to my anxiety, but I'm slowly starting to realize that if I live the rest of my life in fear some day I'll just be another name and another box on someone's mantel. Well hopefully not just anyone's but you get my point. There are so many people on this earth and so few of them get remembered. They kind of addressed this in The Fault in Our Stars.  This whole theme of oblivion is inevitable and we might as well accept it.
But what if I don't want to accept it? What if I don't want to just be another grave or another box? What if I want to do something, something big and inspiring and helpful?
This whole thought of oblivion is kind of intimidating. I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of dying. Dying without finishing everything. But, going back to TFIOS, you end life in the middle of a sentence. You don't, typically, get to chose when and how you die but you do get to chose what you do with your life. And I'm tired of spending mine in fear, fear of my anxiety, fear of failure, fear of not being the best, so many fears I just want to let go.
So maybe I won't change the world, but if I can change someone's world, some girl scout I led or some fellow classmate then, technically, I accomplished my goal.
I learned a trick today I thought I'd share with you. Basically you create a place in your mind you can go that's just for you. It could be a beach, a room, a garden. Mine happens to be a library. I could go into detail but that would go on for pages. But the main focus is a blue velvet chair that I sit in and just relax. I don't have to worry about my anxiety, I don't have to worry about people, I don't have to worry.
I hope you can do the same, it's kind of nice having a place all my own that no one can get to, no one can see what I'm doing or mess with my books. It's a good thing to have, something to fall back on. Even though I'm still young I wish I had learned some of these things years ago, but I'm so glad to learn them now and can use them for the rest of my life.



~MG

The Smart Kid with the Bad Grades

Typically I find that people are strongest either in mind, body, or spirit. Meaning that someone is (typically, put it in again for emphasis) either really good at sports, talking/helping people, or is very intelligent. As a kid I wasn't the best with people and I was a horrible athlete so I was the 'smart kid'.

For me school was pretty easy. 6th grade got a little harder and it just continued. Suddenly in 8th grade I couldn't keep up. My grades were 'terrible', granted now I would die for those grades back but I'll get to that in a second. I didn't know how to handle having lower than an A in a class. Heck in 7th grade I got 1 A- and I was mad. Suddenly with my anxiety it became harder for me to focus and I told myself that once I was a bit better I wouldn't worry about my grades. As I am doing quite a bit better with my anxiety I've been working on my grades. My current grades? 2 C+, 1 B+, 3 A's. Yup, I'm telling you my grades. 

At first I was horrified. A C? Then 2 C's? I was a wreck to say the least. Now I'm working on coming to terms with it and figuring out how I can do better with the situation I'm in. Either it be from a hard teacher/unit or my anxiety.

Someone said something to me last week that actually inspired this whole post. We were talking about a Social Studies quiz we had taken and she asked me what I got. When I told her an 82, she replied with "But you're the smart one." That single sentence has been on my mind since she said that. This whole concept of 'the smart one'. What does that even mean?!

Another thing. I don't know if this is everywhere but especially where I live you aren't 'smart' unless you're in advanced. Regular math, which our district is actually a year ahead in regular, is considered stupid math. If you have to be held back from stupid math then you're just an idiot. Then there's LASS. If you can take honors/AP you better take it or you're not smart. Another thing. If I'm taking 4 hard classes and 2 easy ones and have 4 B's and 2 A's, and John (generic name) is taking 4 easy classes and 2 hard ones and gets 2 B's and 4 A's he's deemed smarter than me. Maybe this is just the way I view things but from the way people talk in my classes these are the conclusions I've drawn, especially about the grade thing. 

Last topic before I end my little rant here, a friend of mine told me he's taking AP Chem, AP Calculus and Physics along with 3 other high school classes and Running Start (college classes). I'm positive this is for college. When did we all become so obsessed with college? I know it's close now and we all want to get in and make ourselves a great future and everything, but honestly, in my opinion, is the school really going to matter? You can have so many wonderful adventures at a school even if it isn't Harvard or Yale or someplace with a really high GPA requirement. When I look back on my high school life I want to remember campfires and camps and drama class not 12 hours of homework locked in my room. I would honestly rather live life now than do a whole bunch of stuff to look good on a college application when I most likely won't need a lot to where I can afford. 

This whole 'smart one' concept frustrates me so much, and I don't think I would've even thought of it if these past few months hadn't happened. 

   

~MG

My Story

So as many of you who have been following my blog know what's been going on in my life these past couple months, I think it's time to tell the people I'm close enough to to accept their friend request to know. Pretty much this sums up the last few months of posts...

It all started back in I believe November. I was sitting in math class, 1st period. All of the sudden I started to shake, not a lot but enough that it was hard to write, I felt sick, my entire body felt like that feeling when your foot falls asleep. I had to stand up in the middle of class and ask to go to the nurse. I thought I was dying, I thought my appendix had burst, I thought more thoughts in those few minutes than probably I have my entire life. So I went to the nurse, told them my symptoms, and they told me to lie down. They said if I wasn't any better in 10 minutes to go home. Eventually I was able to go back to class, I got a lot of weird looks, and felt fine the rest of the day.

A few weeks later that same feeling came over me as I was walking into Spanish, and then I was fine. I told my mom and she talked it over with my aunt, a nurse, and we figured it was nothing.

Shortly after winter break I was sitting in Chemistry taking notes when the feeling came over me again. I was about to ask to go to the nurse when the bell rang and I felt better. I still went to the nurse just in case. They told me the same 10 minute thing again, but I only had 1 period left so I decided to go back to class. As soon as I got in I knew it was a bad idea. Within a few minutes I was back down in the nurses office calling my mom in tears.

It was that day we finally figured out what was going on. Those episodes I was having were panic attacks. And this was just getting started.

I went back to school the next day and was sitting in 2nd period when an attack came on. I tried to deal, I went to the bathroom and tried to wait it out, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to stop them. I went home and didn't go to school the next day.

Finally I was able to get some medicine to stop my panic attacks and learned ways to stop them if they did happen. I was doing fine until the side effects started to kick in. Nausea. I was nauseous that whole month I was on it, and it was awful.

Eventually I got off that medicine and was put on a different one, but the nausea decided to stay. How nice of it right? The nausea made me more and more anxious until finally it came to the point where I feared leaving the house.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still don't know a ton about it but at least I now know what it is.

This is currently where I'm at. Feeling sick every time I leave the house, every time I think about leaving the house. Thankfully I have some wonderful people I would like to quickly mention.

First off, my wonderful parents who push me to still go to church and eat and hang out with friends. They are always there for me and I know they won't let me quit.

Two shout outs to fellow students. Laura, I would like to thank you so much for pushing me to eat at lunch. You don't know how helpful it is to know someone cares and someone wants me to get better. And Elle, when I left class for a few minutes and came back right before the bell to find you packing my stuff for me and asking if I was okay, I nearly cried with joy. You two have no idea how much your actions mean to me.

If you've read this far I'm impressed! Really quick I would just like to say that while I'm struggling with this I'm trying to be grateful it is something I can overcome. And I think that is a wonderful lesson. While you may be stressing about a test or something at work, try and remember somebody has it worse. That doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't suck, but it could always get worse. Remember we only get one shot at this, why waste it feeling sorry for yourself?



~MG

Anxiety Tips

So if you've been following my posts for about the last month you already know I suffer from anxiety disorder with panic attacks. I currently still have many of the side effects such as hot/cold flashes, severe chest pain and nausea (the best one obviously, note my sarcasm). I decided to do some research and I know I am not alone with this problem, though it may feel like it, so I wanted to share my findings and hopefully help someone else even if none of these work for me. Also you don't have to have an anxiety disorder to try these, these are generally good ways to release stress.

1) Yoga
So I am currently in a yoga class in school and love it. For almost 45 minutes a day I get to relax and just breath. While it is relaxing you can also feel good that many of the poses can also get you a workout as well! It's also easy to do at home even if you don't have a yoga mat. There are many youtube videos that will walk you through a series of moves that work well.

2) 4, 7, 8
This is one is really simple and you can do it anywhere, anytime, as many times as you need. I learned this one recently and it helps a lot. All you do is breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, and breathe out for 8 seconds. Try it right now and you'll immediately start to feel more relaxed. This is also a good way to relax to go to sleep.

3) Tensing of the muscles
This one I usually do before bed but can be done at any time, generally. You start by tensing your toes, then your calf, and so on including your back, your face and finally all of them at once. Generally I try and hold them for about 5-10 seconds, but normally by the end I'm at 2-4 seconds per muscle.

4) Positive Affirmations
I use this one a lot too. Basically what you do is you talk to yourself, in your head or out loud, with positive expressions. My most frequent one is "This too shall pass". This one is great and can be used anywhere!

5) Mindfulness
This one is a bit hard to explain so I'm just going to link to this article and you can read it for yourself. This one can be hard but it gets easier over time.

6) Laughter
Seriously, just smiling in the mirror or watching a funny YouTube video can change your mood. Here are a few to get you started.

Hope this helps! Hope you all have a wonderful day and remember


~MG

Love? 36 Questions to Romance

I don't know how many of you watch Good Mythical Morning but recently they had this video up about these 36 questions that can make you fall in love. I thought I'd take a look and maybe answer some of them. The video is above and the questions can be found here (warning, clicking on the link takes you off the post).

Question 1: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
I would choose Jimmy Fallon. His sense of humor is wonderful and he is so talented that we would never get bored. Seriously though, have you seen his impressions?

Question 14: Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
I've always dreamed of becoming a published author or writing for a tv show. Honestly, I also think that it'd be fun to be on YouTube doing gaming videos. However, both aren't easily attainable but I'd rather do that then be stuck at a boring desk job. 

Question 34: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
It would probably be my laptop. I have so many stories on here that I would hate to lose. And as long as my family is safe though, I might be able to manage without it. Another item I might save is one of my books, possibly my journal or an old Arthurian Legend book. Maybe my grandmother's CD walkman (yes it's a thing) or some of her jewelry. I might just get my backpack and stuff things in it. There are some family photos I would want to save, and most are in some boxes or on my mom's computer. Man, this is hard! I'd hate to lose those pictures almost more than my laptop! Yeah, I'd fill some bags then run. 

So these were only 3 of the 36 questions, look at the other ones using the link above or clicking on the video. They have a link in the description. 

Hope you enjoyed! Little late for Valentine's Day but I'm still in the same month so I'm close. 

~MG

Quick Update and 2 Videos You Need To See

So it's break this week and so I've been reflecting a bit on the last month and while I was on youtube I found two videos from the youtubers I love and wanted to share both the videos and why I want to share them with you.

Markiplier Pursuit of Happiness Vlog

I'm afraid I have to link it, just putting in the video provided some technical difficulties. Anyways, this video was one of the first I saw today and I'm really glad it was. Let me tell you why. As you may know I suffer from panic attacks. Well two days ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. In truth I still don't really know that much about it but from my understanding basically I'm anxious all the time over anything. So I was on a medication for a month to see if it would help my attacks. In a way, it did. However it made me feel so sick that I eventually had to cut down my dose and thus the attacks started to come back. I was still going to school every day while feeling like I was either going to throw up, thanks to the meds, or have a heart attack, thanks to the panic attacks. So let's just say it was a pretty bad month. But in a way, I learned that no matter how bad things got, no matter how many times I wanted to give up and become agoraphobic (when you don't leave the house), someone was always there for me. I started telling more and more people and once I did I got a great support system both at school and in my friends.

That got a little rambly so let me tie this back to the video. I have been a fan of Markiplier for a year or two now, and while sometimes he swears-ok more than sometimes- he provided me with not only the humor I needed but also the inspiration. This video is a prime example of the reason I still watch his videos. He really believes that we can do anything, and that was the thing I needed to hear, and I think we all need to hear. Sometimes we feel as if we don't matter, but we do. We can all make a change and like Mark said, "no matter how hard it may seem, the only thing you have to do is start."

Next video!!
CallMeKevin Let's talk about... Positivity and Trust Vlog

Ok so I've been following Kevin for longer than I have Mark. My brother and I started watching him when we were younger and I've been a dedicated fan ever since. I really like the message of this video, even if you think the whole world is against you, it really isn't. And while it isn't always best to have so much trust, the truth is there are more good people than bad, and that is good news. Kevin's positive outlook helps me to stay happy and realize that if I'm not ok, I don't have to pretend I am. Even if that means letting people in.



Thank you very much for reading,

~MG

Panic! My Story with Panic Attacks

So a little glimpse into what I've been going through the last month or so. 

A month or two ago I had my first episode. I was sitting in math and suddenly my side hurt, my body started to tingle and I felt nauseous. I went to the nurse and they told me to lay down and if I didn't feel better in 10 minutes to call my mom. After laying there for a few minutes I felt better and went to class. I forgot about this day until I was walking into Spanish about 3 weeks later and my body started to tingle again and a wave a nausea fled over me. I told my mom and we called my aunt, a nurse. She figured since my episodes were so far apart it was probably nothing. 

I forgot all about my episodes until last Wednesday at the end of 5th period I felt nauseous again, my body started to tingle and my limbs felt weak. As soon as the bell rang a few seconds later I felt better, but scared I went to the nurse and went home. It was then that my mom looked up the symptoms for panic attacks. My symptoms fit exactly. I figured the next day wouldn't be so bad. I walked into math and felt a bit nauseous most of the time, but overall I felt okay. Then I got into social studies and while taking notes the nausea came back and so did the tingling. I went to the bathroom and started to cry. I texted my mom to come pick me up. I didn't go to school at all Friday. 

I used to be able to count my attacks, but now I've lost count. I have I'd say 3-6 a day, with many mini ones not included. 

Today I had my longest episode ever in QFC. It lasted the whole time we were in there. I lost track of the minutes. It felt like forever. Every time I felt better the tingling would come back and I had to try and focus on not throwing up or falling over from my weak knees. I got over it once we got home, but not until then. 

So if you see me at school I may be actually having an attack, generally you can tell if I'm not really focusing and breathing deeply. Mostly though you can't tell. Usually the only thing you can do is offer to hold my hand while it passes, something along those lines, or just ignore me all together unless I ask for help. Whatever you do, don't tell me nothing is wrong or just calm down. I know nothing is wrong and if I could just calm down I would. 

I have yet to figure out the trigger of the attacks, at the moment they seem to be random. 

Thanks for listening. I want to explain this as little as possible, talking about it sometimes brings on some anxiety for me. 

Love you all, 

~MG