My First College 'Party'

Have I mastered clickbait? I was pretty proud when I came up with that title :)

So the other night I went to a rootbeer kegger thrown by a Christian organization on campus. I was really pleased that some of the dorms have a bible study group and that there are plenty of choices so if one doesn't seem like a good fit I can try another one.

For those of you who went to church with me, you might have noticed that I left SPC after 11th grade. I was very displeased with the leadership and the way the student leadership was run and decided to leave leading and the church in general since I didn't feel like I really belonged. I worshiped on my own but wasn't getting as much out of it as I wanted to. I was really looking forward to getting into a group when I went off to school.

I think what I am most looking forward to is exploring the various denominations of Christianity. I was a Presbyterian for a long time, mostly because that was just the kind of church I went to. I really liked that they approved of gay marriage since that is not often a belief many Christian churches I have been exposed to endorse, granted it has been a very long time since I went to a different church so maybe things have changed. I also liked that women were welcome to be pastors, but that might be common in other Christian denominations too.

I am looking forward to growing my faith this year and having God by my side as I start life on my own and learn how to be my own person.

 ~MG

Starting College

Friday is the day, my move-in day that is. I know many of my peers have already started college but I start class September 20th and move in on the 15th.  It feels like I am starting high school all over again, just with the addition of not living at home. I am not going to a 'party school' but I still picture going into college and just seeing streamers and red solo cups everywhere, random person from class doing a keg stand in the corner. Just like I kind of expected someone to burst into song on my first day of high school, what can I say? High School Musical was still pretty fresh in my mind at 14. Now that I am actually a Wildcat I have a feeling students are actually more likely to burst into song just because we share the same mascot, but that's beside the point.

I don't really know how to feel about starting college, I am excited to be on my own and making new friends and working towards finding what I want to do with my life, but also I already miss my job and I know I am going to miss family, my bed, and my privacy. I think once I get there and get into a routine, I'll be fine, but just waiting to go is stressful. I don't feel prepared and definitely not near as rested as I wanted to be.
I already declared my major, Public Relations, and am excited to see what options that leads to. I am also in the Honors College and can't wait for the special classes they offer. This first quarter I am taking a journaling class and am curious what we are going to do with it.
If anyone has any tips for starting college or being a Communications/Public Relations major please comment!

~MG 

High School, College and Life Update

  Okay so there are a few things I want to cover in this post. A little bit about my school life, some details on how I am doing with my anxiety, and some other general stuff. There might even be a rant about windows 10 in here....
  Today I started winter quarter, which also happens to be my second to last quarter until I graduate high school! *Insert confetti and balloons here* 2017 is finally here, the year I've been defined by my entire life. 2017 always seemed so far away, I can still remember posing in a giant 17 with all the other members of the 5th grade at my school thinking I would never graduate. Time just went so slowly back then, while now it months seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's just me, but graduation day isn't something I look forward to. Graduating, yes, but graduation, no thank you. Perhaps it's that most of my experience at high school I was either in a state of panic (thanks anxiety) or worrying about how my mom was doing after a chemo treatment. Perhaps it's because of all of the drama with people or how much more I enjoyed college classes and how I could actually study what I wanted to. My parents already know that the only reason I'm attending high school graduation is for them, and honestly I would rather be home studying for my college finals which are the week after. When I get there I have a feeling it will be fine, and hopefully I sit next to someone I don't know, which isn't hard in a class of 500+. I didn't even know everyone at my 5th grade graduation, so I have a feeling it will be a lot of names I don't know. For me graduation will represent not only being free from high school but also from the insane atmosphere of my school district. I cannot even describe how damaging I think the way my school district is run to students physical and mental health. This could be a whole other post, but basically the gist is that kids are getting overworked, not sleeping enough due to massive amounts of homework, and having so much pressure that it is no wonder so many kids have anxiety and depression here.
  The main reason I actually wrote this post was to talk about something that I've debated putting on here for a very long time. So here it is. December 31st, 2016 was the third anniversary of my last official self-harming session. I have no scars, so it was easy to keep hidden. I try to be pretty open about my anxiety, but for some reason self-harming is still something I have a hard time owning up to. It was something I was ashamed of for a very long time, but being that it has been three years now I think it's about time I start talking about it. Self-harming is not something to be ashamed of. Now I'm not saying its a good thing, but for people who have done it or actively self-harm it isn't something we should have to hide. Self-harming, at least for me, was as a result of my anxiety and depression, a lot of which came from school. I was in almost all the honors classes in middle school, when I first started, and the pressure started to get to me. I got my first A- out of a class and I broke down. Then in 8th grade I started Spanish. No matter how much I studied, I would often get D's or F's on tests. Granted I got a C out of the class which wasn't all that bad, I couldn't cope. I had never gotten a poor score before, and couldn't see how things would get better as school kept getting harder. Self-harming was a punishment, a way to let out my frustration, or just something to do. I remember once doing it when I was on the phone. For me I hid most of my cuts, but there were times when people saw and didn't do anything. That was what bothered me the most. PE teachers would see them as I had to wear short sleeves in that class, I wrote that I cut in the little bio we had to turn into the counselors at the start of 8th grade and no one contacted me, etc. I remember many times having cuts and my mom dragging me clothes shopping, as I hate that most of all, and only trying on clothes that would cover up my cuts and making sure to be able to not need any help in the dressing room. Basically what I'm saying is that while it's something I regret doing, I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It was a part of my mental health journey and throughout all the hell I've gone through these past few years with panic attacks and agoraphobia I have never cut once. Have I thought about it? Heck yeah, but it gets easier to focus on other things the more years pass. Telling my mom I self-harmed is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I wish I had someone to help me figure out how to approach her. I still haven't given her very many details, and couldn't own up to how long I had been doing it (I think it was 2 1/2 years at that point, but I believe I only admitted to a few months). I will be posting some resources at the bottom of this post, but the thing that helped me the most was the Butterfly project. I will link a description of that as well.
  Okay tiny windows 10 rant. We got an Xbox One Slim for Christmas, which still seems weird to me. I always feel like a spoiled rich kid when telling people that, but anyways that was our big gift. So we set it up and it has a windows 10 format. Which, btw Microsoft, sucks. So we set it up and there is this family settings thing. Despite being listed as an adult account, my internet now won't work on my laptop without getting 'parent's permission' first. It's a bit of a pain when I accidentally close the internet or something. So I get to have a fun night with my dad messing with my laptop trying to get my internet to work again. Right now I have to use his Microsoft account to get onto my laptop, which is fine but all my bookmarks and programs aren't on this account. :(
  Before I end this let me just give a little update on this quarter and my anxiety. My teachers and classes all seem really great. My anxiety was still pretty high today, but I managed to do alright this weekend which was surprising. I am glad that every quarter my anxiety seems to improve, and that I no longer have to constantly be moving to have something to focus on other than my anxiety and the nausea it produced.
  Also I created a master list of all the things I need to bring to college next year. I've picked my college officially so I know what climate to pack for which is nice. If anyone wants a copy of that let me know. I currently have it in a google doc but I can email the text or convert it to a word document.

National Suicide Prevention Line: Call 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
*online support is also available on this, click the link
Samaritans Crisis Response Hotline- (212) 673-3000
Other resources including teenage pregnancy and AIDS
Butterfly Project -note that there is a project by this same name that refers to the Holocaust, this is not what I'm referring to. 

Have a great day!!

~MG

Dogaholic

  As many of you know, as I talk about every time I see someone, I work at a dog daycare. I've been there a year on December 1st, a year which has only increased my love of my furry friends. Working there full time over the summer especially helped me increase both my passion and my confidence with them, and now I constantly sit down on the floor and just let the dogs climb in my lap and lick my face since I know they would never hurt me. I've even become obsessed with a breed other than German Shepherds, Vizslas!
  Going through my depression and anxiety has been hard, and there is still many days I want to just give up. Days where all I want to do is sleep and maybe watch Netflix. There are some nights where I don't even want dessert! My mind races about college and scholarships and broken friendships and things I've said and homework... the list goes on. When a dog is licking my face or is curled up in my lap, I find it very hard to feel sad. I trust my dogs more than I do anyone else. They never care how broken out my face is, how anxious I am, what I say, or even how tired I am. They are always there to lick away my tears or warm me up when I have a cold flash (hot and cold flashes can occur in people with anxiety, fyi).
  Knowing that for the next few years I'll be in college and won't be allowed to have a dog brings me to tears. Dogs have been the only thing that has made me feel normal again since my first panic attack 2 years ago on Halloween. I do not qualify for an emotional support dog as I can still 'function normally' in society. And yes, technically if you live in a house off campus you can get a pet, but I doubt as a college student I would be able to afford a dog.
  This week was long, this week was hard, this week I felt very sick. But every day I knew that I had a group of dogs waiting for me who love me more than I love myself, and that is what keeps me going. Sometimes when I feel like giving up, I think about how strong I have had to be to get to this point, and how becoming agoraphobic again wouldn't let me see my babies every weekday. When my stomach is so upset I don't want to eat or even move, I always find hope in my dogs. I think about Indie whom I love beyond words; or Odo who always comes to my side when two dogs start playing or I sit on the floor so he can protect me. I think about Sunny who loves to howl with me and is always ready for a snuggle, or Dante who always smiles at me (OMG it is so cute).
  These dogs have given me motivation, have given me my life back, even if it is just the few hours I am with them I feel as though I matter and I can be myself. Anxiety and depression is very isolating, often I feel so frustrated with my own thoughts I lash out at others with my words. But dogs, they could honestly care less what you say as long as you say it in a baby voice and maybe jump around a bit. These dogs mean the world to me, and every day I go to work I know it's just one more day of memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

~MG

Starting Senior Year

  Three days from now I start my senior year of high school. This summer has been one of my most fulfilling and exciting ones yet. I worked full time at my job at a dog daycare, volunteered at girl scout camp like I do every summer, and that's about it. Working full time gave me a purpose I haven't felt in a long time. Plus I got to play with dogs all day, so huge bonus there. Work was stressful at times, and I always come home smelly and dirty, but I felt good at the end of the day.
Suddenly I'm forced to go back to school and finish my last year of high school. Suddenly every conversation is about college, my job, or scholarship deadlines. It feels as if I was given a glimpse at the happy Madison, the one who joked with her coworkers and always had a cute dog story. At the same time, I would be so tired by the end of the week I stopped hanging out or even texting my friends. While I am friends with my coworkers, we're at work and can't just sit and watch a movie. No I take that back, I have done that at work. We let the older dogs watch Disney movies and it's adorable.

  It's weird walking around town and thinking "hey isn't that, wait no, they're at college now. You probably won't see them around town for a while, if ever again." It's a weird feeling, knowing my childhood and everything in it is soon to be left behind. Even the house I grew up in and the dog that protected it are in their last years. I wasn't expecting to be so reflective this year, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the past and how things will never be like that again. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, everyone grows up, but I'll miss walking down to a friends house for a sleepover, or camping in the backyard with my family and our loyal protector who would probably sleep through anything. Everything is going to be gone, even my job. The job I love more than I thought one could love a job. Or the fact that when I have a bad dream my parents won't be down the hall to talk it over in the morning. So this year, I'm trying to focus on the present, all the things that aren't going to last, and make as many memories as I can.

  My internal dialogue keeps switching from "this year is going to be great, you'll make friends and get good grades," to "you can't do this. Why did you think you could do this? Nobody will want to be friends with you, you're to broken." I could go on, but you get the point. I am doing a lot better than I was even just a few months ago, like today when I was curled up in a ball in the shower from being sick to the stomach due to anxiety, instead of thinking "I can't do this," I thought, "how can I do this?" Despite the fact that everyday I get closer to school starting the more my stomach hurts, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't had a panic attack, nor have I cried about it (yet).
Sometimes I feel as thought the world is closing in around me, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and I can't breathe. Then suddenly I'm at work with dogs all around me, cuddling with me, kissing my face, and just being happy, I remember that it'll pass. I'll get through that first day of school, figuring out where to sit and when to leave for the bus. I'll get through the depression and the anxiety, the loneliness and the fear, because even when I'm having the worst day, I always get to go to work and snuggle with some dogs who love me no matter what.

~MG

Back To School

So for many of you today is back to school, time to start our Junior year of high school. For me, today is just another day of summer. I've been asked many times if I regret choosing to go to Bellevue College, and the answer will always remain no, but on days like this sometimes I can't help but wonder if I made the right choice. 

Don't get me wrong, I love being alone. I need the time to recover and replenish my energy, but sometimes too much alone time can do the opposite. As someone who fights both anxiety and depression time alone with my thoughts I sometimes the worst thing I can do. So I try and distract myself, spending hours getting ready and putting on makeup even if I'm not going out of the house except to get the mail. I try and focus on a television show or book, right now Vampire Diaries and The Heir by Kierra Cass, but sometimes that doesn't cut it. Sometimes all I want is to be reminded of how much I am still needed and wanted in this crazy world. I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people in my life, including my family. I honestly wouldn't be here without them. I would never had left the house and started learning how to control my anxiety. I would never have travelled to Mexico to build houses with some of the most inspiring people I know. 

My head is constantly at war with itself that sometimes all I want to do is sleep and wake up when everything is better, when I have everything figured out. Lately I've realized that wishing away my problems doesn't do anything, I have to learn to adapt and surround myself with situations that challenge me and peor that love me. That's the only way I've found to survive this crazy world, to rely on love, faith, and just a little bit of wonder for the things in life that are way beyond us ever being able to comprehend.

I leave you with this bible verse that helps me when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. Have a wonderful school year!

~MG

Almost 17 Without a Licence and Other Labels

As many of you who know me personally know that I hate driving. I get asked a lot why, and honestly sometimes I want to make up answers. But the truth is while I love being in control of most everything, especially group projects, taking other people's lives into my own hands and having to trust every other driver out there with mine, is something that is hard for me to handle. Freshman year in health we were given a presentation on car wrecks, complete with graphic pictures and terrible stories. I didn't even look at most of the pictures and I still came out shaken. Thinking that not only could that person hanging onto life be me, but that I could do that to someone else. And honestly, having to live with myself knowing I killed a person would be hard, but knowing I put an innocent 17 year old in a nursing home for the rest of their life, I don't know if I could ever recover from something like that. Sometimes I wonder if that's just an excuse, that I'm really more scared of dying or being in such terrible condition to wish that I had died, but honestly the thought of living knowing that I robbed someone of their life sends chills down my spine just thinking about it. While I still am working hard to get my Licence, I'm okay with being the last person to get it. I'm okay having to ask people for rides or taking the bus. And that's just something I've learned about myself, I don't have to do the normal expectations to be happy.

I don't know if that really counted as a label, but one that I often get is goody-two-shoes. I have been getting this for years, and I'm sure it's said behind my back. It used to hurt me, make me mad and such. However I'm learning to deal with this just like being asked over and over why I don't drive at my age. To me, I'd rather be a rule follower and have fun without worrying about being caught doing something illegal than feeling like I had this second life no one could know about. This isn't to say I'm a perfect person or was a perfect child. I talked back, I lied, but I tried really had to make my parents proud. As an older sibling I was alway taught I should lead by example, so I did my best to be good and such. It was also just how I was raised, while I may slip up and get rebellious or something, I always knew that my parents would be there telling me to do the right thing. I was taught to speak correct English, I was taught that if mom said no don't be a brat and do it anyways (though I broke this rule numerous times). Especially when I accepted Christ into my life, it really helped when people would call me that. I started to look at it as a compliment, that I was following Jesus as best I could despite having human flaws. 

Honestly, at the end of the day the only labels that really matter are the ones you put on yourself. And if those are negative, find a way to change that. For me, meditation has been helping me become a more positive and confident person. Find your way to stay happy. 

~MG