Dogaholic

  As many of you know, as I talk about every time I see someone, I work at a dog daycare. I've been there a year on December 1st, a year which has only increased my love of my furry friends. Working there full time over the summer especially helped me increase both my passion and my confidence with them, and now I constantly sit down on the floor and just let the dogs climb in my lap and lick my face since I know they would never hurt me. I've even become obsessed with a breed other than German Shepherds, Vizslas!
  Going through my depression and anxiety has been hard, and there is still many days I want to just give up. Days where all I want to do is sleep and maybe watch Netflix. There are some nights where I don't even want dessert! My mind races about college and scholarships and broken friendships and things I've said and homework... the list goes on. When a dog is licking my face or is curled up in my lap, I find it very hard to feel sad. I trust my dogs more than I do anyone else. They never care how broken out my face is, how anxious I am, what I say, or even how tired I am. They are always there to lick away my tears or warm me up when I have a cold flash (hot and cold flashes can occur in people with anxiety, fyi).
  Knowing that for the next few years I'll be in college and won't be allowed to have a dog brings me to tears. Dogs have been the only thing that has made me feel normal again since my first panic attack 2 years ago on Halloween. I do not qualify for an emotional support dog as I can still 'function normally' in society. And yes, technically if you live in a house off campus you can get a pet, but I doubt as a college student I would be able to afford a dog.
  This week was long, this week was hard, this week I felt very sick. But every day I knew that I had a group of dogs waiting for me who love me more than I love myself, and that is what keeps me going. Sometimes when I feel like giving up, I think about how strong I have had to be to get to this point, and how becoming agoraphobic again wouldn't let me see my babies every weekday. When my stomach is so upset I don't want to eat or even move, I always find hope in my dogs. I think about Indie whom I love beyond words; or Odo who always comes to my side when two dogs start playing or I sit on the floor so he can protect me. I think about Sunny who loves to howl with me and is always ready for a snuggle, or Dante who always smiles at me (OMG it is so cute).
  These dogs have given me motivation, have given me my life back, even if it is just the few hours I am with them I feel as though I matter and I can be myself. Anxiety and depression is very isolating, often I feel so frustrated with my own thoughts I lash out at others with my words. But dogs, they could honestly care less what you say as long as you say it in a baby voice and maybe jump around a bit. These dogs mean the world to me, and every day I go to work I know it's just one more day of memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

~MG

Starting Senior Year

  Three days from now I start my senior year of high school. This summer has been one of my most fulfilling and exciting ones yet. I worked full time at my job at a dog daycare, volunteered at girl scout camp like I do every summer, and that's about it. Working full time gave me a purpose I haven't felt in a long time. Plus I got to play with dogs all day, so huge bonus there. Work was stressful at times, and I always come home smelly and dirty, but I felt good at the end of the day.
Suddenly I'm forced to go back to school and finish my last year of high school. Suddenly every conversation is about college, my job, or scholarship deadlines. It feels as if I was given a glimpse at the happy Madison, the one who joked with her coworkers and always had a cute dog story. At the same time, I would be so tired by the end of the week I stopped hanging out or even texting my friends. While I am friends with my coworkers, we're at work and can't just sit and watch a movie. No I take that back, I have done that at work. We let the older dogs watch Disney movies and it's adorable.

  It's weird walking around town and thinking "hey isn't that, wait no, they're at college now. You probably won't see them around town for a while, if ever again." It's a weird feeling, knowing my childhood and everything in it is soon to be left behind. Even the house I grew up in and the dog that protected it are in their last years. I wasn't expecting to be so reflective this year, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the past and how things will never be like that again. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, everyone grows up, but I'll miss walking down to a friends house for a sleepover, or camping in the backyard with my family and our loyal protector who would probably sleep through anything. Everything is going to be gone, even my job. The job I love more than I thought one could love a job. Or the fact that when I have a bad dream my parents won't be down the hall to talk it over in the morning. So this year, I'm trying to focus on the present, all the things that aren't going to last, and make as many memories as I can.

  My internal dialogue keeps switching from "this year is going to be great, you'll make friends and get good grades," to "you can't do this. Why did you think you could do this? Nobody will want to be friends with you, you're to broken." I could go on, but you get the point. I am doing a lot better than I was even just a few months ago, like today when I was curled up in a ball in the shower from being sick to the stomach due to anxiety, instead of thinking "I can't do this," I thought, "how can I do this?" Despite the fact that everyday I get closer to school starting the more my stomach hurts, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't had a panic attack, nor have I cried about it (yet).
Sometimes I feel as thought the world is closing in around me, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and I can't breathe. Then suddenly I'm at work with dogs all around me, cuddling with me, kissing my face, and just being happy, I remember that it'll pass. I'll get through that first day of school, figuring out where to sit and when to leave for the bus. I'll get through the depression and the anxiety, the loneliness and the fear, because even when I'm having the worst day, I always get to go to work and snuggle with some dogs who love me no matter what.

~MG