Suddenly I'm forced to go back to school and finish my last year of high school. Suddenly every conversation is about college, my job, or scholarship deadlines. It feels as if I was given a glimpse at the happy Madison, the one who joked with her coworkers and always had a cute dog story. At the same time, I would be so tired by the end of the week I stopped hanging out or even texting my friends. While I am friends with my coworkers, we're at work and can't just sit and watch a movie. No I take that back, I have done that at work. We let the older dogs watch Disney movies and it's adorable.
It's weird walking around town and thinking "hey isn't that, wait no, they're at college now. You probably won't see them around town for a while, if ever again." It's a weird feeling, knowing my childhood and everything in it is soon to be left behind. Even the house I grew up in and the dog that protected it are in their last years. I wasn't expecting to be so reflective this year, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the past and how things will never be like that again. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, everyone grows up, but I'll miss walking down to a friends house for a sleepover, or camping in the backyard with my family and our loyal protector who would probably sleep through anything. Everything is going to be gone, even my job. The job I love more than I thought one could love a job. Or the fact that when I have a bad dream my parents won't be down the hall to talk it over in the morning. So this year, I'm trying to focus on the present, all the things that aren't going to last, and make as many memories as I can.
My internal dialogue keeps switching from "this year is going to be great, you'll make friends and get good grades," to "you can't do this. Why did you think you could do this? Nobody will want to be friends with you, you're to broken." I could go on, but you get the point. I am doing a lot better than I was even just a few months ago, like today when I was curled up in a ball in the shower from being sick to the stomach due to anxiety, instead of thinking "I can't do this," I thought, "how can I do this?" Despite the fact that everyday I get closer to school starting the more my stomach hurts, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't had a panic attack, nor have I cried about it (yet).
Sometimes I feel as thought the world is closing in around me, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and I can't breathe. Then suddenly I'm at work with dogs all around me, cuddling with me, kissing my face, and just being happy, I remember that it'll pass. I'll get through that first day of school, figuring out where to sit and when to leave for the bus. I'll get through the depression and the anxiety, the loneliness and the fear, because even when I'm having the worst day, I always get to go to work and snuggle with some dogs who love me no matter what.
~MG
