Weight Loss Journey with Noom

It's no secret that a lot of people have been trying to lose weight since gaining the 'covid 15,' only to give up when it's hard. I was very proud of myself because I actually lost 15 pounds on weight watchers at the start of covid. However, I didn't keep it off for long and actually gained an additional 5 pounds on top of the 15. I hated the way I looked, but with the recent addition of a pain medication to help my fibromyalgia. While the medication has been helpful and I can actually get a decent night's sleep, I feel like the weight gain has increased my pain.  

Alex texted me the other day saying that we should sign up for Noom, a weight loss program based in psychology. I had heard of it before but was still paying for weight watchers each month, thinking if I kept paying for it I would eventually go back to it. I remembered hearing all the ads for Noom on various podcasts I listen to and decided to give it a try. 

Today is day 8 I believe and I am down just about 3 pounds. So far I have learned about scale anxiety (which I definitely suffer from), caloric density and how the same amount of calories in different foods fills you up differently, how to believe in myself, and so much more. I can't believe how much of weight loss is just about believing! Not only is Noom helping me with my weight, it's actually helping me a lot with my anxiety too. So much of my weight gain is tied to how stressed I was, well, am, and learning new ways to help me destress is so helpful. 

There are days I wish I was just healthy and slimmer now, but I know it's about the journey. I know it's all about learning healthy habits. I think that's why I like Noom so much, I feel like it's okay to slip up because you're always learning new things. I think my biggest challenge is my love of carbs and sweets, but I know now that those are learned cravings and what can be learned can be unlearned. I'm starting to eat things that used to give me such pleasure and just finding them not worth the calories. I think I felt like eating was the way I could find instant joy in a sometimes stressful day. When you work with people, there can be a lot of stressful or frustrating days. 

I feel hopeful about losing weight and feeling better about myself for the first time this year. I know it's important to instill healthy habits in myself now while I'm still young, and finding new ways to relieve my stress other than eating. I've taken up reading again which has been such a huge help. Having Alex do this with me makes it easier as well.

~MG

Weight Watchers and Health Update

Hello everyone!

I wanted to give you all an update on how weight watchers is going and some other health news. I am officially down 12 pounds!! It feels so nice to continue seeing the scale go down and just feeling better about myself. While eating better has been hard, especially since I moved to an apartment June 1st and trying to cook while unpacking is so difficult when you are down the street from fast food! There are days, or sometimes a stretch of days, where eating is more of a battle. For example, we had a coffee truck today at my work and I got an iced mocha and it was so good! Also a resident brought in chocolate for us and it's just sitting there behind me... 

Anyways, I have another health update that has been a long time coming. The 2 years I was off at college I gained over 60 pounds. I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't know what. I was so tired I could take a 4 hour nap and sleep all night and still be exhausted. People would tell me I was just sleeping too much so I would stay up late and watch Netflix or try not to nap and be just as exhausted, if not more so. It got to the point where I was falling asleep in classes. I couldn't do any clubs or activities since I was already having a hard enough time just trying to stay up for classes. I constantly slept through meals and had little to no appetite. I struggled with pain on top of this, not extreme pain but enough that it bothered me. Anywhere on my upper body that I pressed on felt like I had a bruise. So much so that I was convinced on my 19th birthday when I pressed on my back that I had another kidney infection I went to urgent care (happy birthday to me). 

Exhaustion ruled my life and I was tired of it. At the end of my first year of college I started being tested for hormone issues. I thought I had cushing's disease, something that made you gain weight from too much cortisone. After months of tests nothing came of it, and the doctor told me to repeat the expensive tests in 6 months if I still had the same symptoms. I came home for the summer feeling defeated. I had tried to get an ESA but Central told me that the dog would not be allowed in classes, where I needed the support. I was lonely, tired, and just plain miserable. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or if I would even be able to do anything. Sure I was a good student, but what if that was all I was good at? Studying for tests and writing essays, that was what I knew I was good at. 

Starting my last year of college I continued to gain weight and sleep all day. I ended up dropping out of a class my last quarter because I simply lacked the energy it required to do the leadership class, something I have enjoyed and participated in since elementary school in student government. I thought that since I didn't have a job that was why I was so tired, not having a purpose and just sleeping because it was something to do. However, after graduating and starting my job leasing apartments, my energy has continued to decline. I have continued to get tested for all sorts of things, most recently hemochromatosis (too much iron) and thyroid issues again. As of yesterday, I think I finally have an answer, though it was not the answer I was hoping for. After seeing a naturopath starting a few months ago, a doctor who finally took me seriously, I am starting treatment for fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder that causes exhaustion and pain. 

I wanted to share my story because it took years for me to get some sort of diagnosis, lots of anxiety and for a doctor to take me seriously and not just run tests and then give up on me. I have struggled, and will likely continue to struggle with energy and mild pain that has limited my life and am so happy I was persistent and didn't take no for an answer. I am hoping that my energy improves in the next few months and I am able to stay longer at the dog park on Sundays and just enjoy life more. 

~MG

Weight Watchers Day 1

I have always battled with self esteem and loving my body. This has only become harder as when I went off to college the stress, a foot problem, and overall lack of good food (partially my own fault), caused me to gain a lot of weight. Not just the freshman 15, honestly it's hard for me to admit how much I gained. However, if you have seen me in person it is pretty obvious I'm not even close to the size I was in high school. Having battled anxiety and won for the most part, I wanted to move on to my next challenge, my weight and diet. 

I thought getting Luna would help me a lot. While it has helped since I am going on more walks, she is reactive so we cannot be out too long before both of us just break down. This is getting better, but just throwing the ball in the meantime isn't getting me much exercise. 

Energy has always been a huge issue for me. Once I got into college it became easy to take multiple naps a day, which of course did not help with .y anxiety and depression. However, with no energy it seemed like my only option. While I continue to struggle with lack of energy, I am seeing a naturopath at the moment and am on a few supplements that should hopefully help some pathways in my brain work better and be less stressed and exhausted from that stress. 

Yesterday evening my parents and I signed up for weight watchers. I was on a similar program through United Healthcare but found the video meetings just weren't doing it for me and I was hoping having my parents do this with me would make it easier. After entering most of my food from yesterday I was already well over my allotted points (in weight watchers each food is worth so many points and you only have so many points in a day) and made me feel very discouraged. Yes, I had a bag of popcorn for lunch and an entire Costco poppyseed muffin for breakfast, but dang those were we're all worth a lot of points! 

So this morning I woke up and had half a muffin. No apple juice since that was quite a few points as well. This was at 6:30 AM when I wake up to feed Luna and let her out. By 10:30 AM I was already hungry. I decided to have a small bowl of Chex mix. By 12:30 PM I was hungry again and had 5 chicken nuggets and a small amount of ketchup. This left me very few points for the rest of the day. By 3:00 PM I was hungry again and had no points left if I also wanted dinner. I figured it was day 1 and if I went a little over then it was fine. So I had a cheese stick. Obviously that didn't help much so I asked my mom to teach me how to make scrambled eggs since those are no points. Not my favorite, but better then nothing. Right now it's almost 5 and it will be interesting to see how dinner goes. 

As someone who is a very picky eater and has failed to lose weight eating what I like, I thought I would try to document my journey. I'm hoping day 2 goes better. For now, I am just hoping that I can resist snacking! 

Check out my Pinterest for weight watchers recipes I hope to try! I plan to post if I do try them and if they are any good. 

~MG

Finishing my Freshman/Junior Year of College

Wow, I'm almost done with my first year away at school! (Context, I did Running Start in High School so my first 2 years were done when I enrolled here at 18). After lots of computer troubles (thanks windows 10), plenty of homework, some amazing new friends, and too many naps to count,  I am coming up on my last few weeks here at Central for a while. Well, until the workshop I have here in July and having to sign my lease in August. It has been a year of growth and a few setbacks, but overall I came out the other side a better person and I am happy with the person I am becoming. We introduced a wonderful new family member after losing Sierra, June 24th is the first anniversary of her death. I know it will be a hard one, but AJ (and managing his Instagram, see link at end of post) has been a huge help. I get to work/intern at my high school job this summer and I can't wait to get back to my second family, both human and canine.

I have learned so many new things, and even have my own website that I post samples of my PR work to! I learned how to use this awesome website called Canva to create posters and social media posts which has been a huge help in the mock PR firm class I am in. Basically, we are a PR firm we just don't charge. I got into a workshop this summer on learning the ins and outs of the radio industry. It's strange that I'm starting to feel like an adult now, but at halfway through 19, that's a good thing.

Yes, there are lots of things I wish could've gone differently. Though there is a lot in my past that I wish could've gone differently too, most out of my control.  Everything I've gone through has made me a stronger and more compassionate person. Some of it sucked, but overall I'm grateful for them since they made me the strong woman I am today.

Being back in my hometown is going to be strange, but a good kind of strange. I'll have to get used to traffic again! Also, not using Fred Meyer as the mall will be a bit strange as well. The one around here has everything though! Perks of being in a college town I suppose. Not being just a dorm away from my friends will be strange too, but I will finally get a chance to catch up with my friends from home and not just on a weekend while trying to spend time with my family.

It's actually true though

Overall, I wasn't sure what to expect from this year but I came out the other side more like the person I want to be, and that's what really counts. Also, no parties, drugs, or alcohol for me. Just lots of naps, like seriously this bed is so cozy I kinda don't want to go back to my one at home. Plus, why go party when you can spend time with your best friend talking about books and dogs and school until your throat hurts because you have been talking for so long. Going back to school isn't something I'm dreading, but something I'm looking forward to. I can't wait to see what my senior year has in store for me.

~MG


AJ's Instagram is his racing name: springwateraj 

A Series of Unfortunate Events

“It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.” 
― Lemony Snicket


Lately, I have been catching up on the second season of A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix. I never read the books as a kid, nor do I remember any of my friends reading them. Even when the movie came out quite a few years back now the series did not come to my attention. I think as a kid I wanted to read a book with a happy ending, as most books have.  As I watch the series I keep thinking about what parent would let their kid read such a depressing story, or even why I continue watching it. 

This thought has nagged at me the past few days and I think I have finally come up with an answer. The adults in this series, at least most of them, are quite ignorant and oblivious and it is up to the children to face their situation and figure out a way to find out more about their parent's death and bring Count Olaf, a murderous yet musical villain, to justice. This series not only teaches children to rely on themselves but also helps them realize that just because they are young does not mean they are incapable of making a change. 

Perhaps it is series like this that help encourage my fellow students to march on Washington when the adults, at least it feels like, would rather turn a blind eye than listen to our accusations about a murderer hiding among us. Sometimes this is a person, like when people tried to warn the authorities about the Parkland shooter well-before the shooting took place, or the guns themselves. I'm not going to go into some long spiel on gun-control and my thoughts on it because I do not feel like I have my ideas sorted yet, but I will say that something needs to change. If it is us students that have to do the dirty work for someone to listen then so be it. 

“At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.” 
― Lemony Snicket

Personally, I want my (future) children to stand up for what they believe in, know they can make a difference, and remember that the most important things can be learned from books and from your own imagination. I look forward to reading this book series with my children and showing them that books can do more than just provide an escape for a little while, they can also enlighten you and help equip you to take on the world. 

~MG

Introducing AJ

AJ's adoption photo we fell in love with

  This beautiful boy is the newest member of my family! We adopted AJ over winter break and I just went back and saw him for the first time last weekend since leaving for winter quarter and he has really blossomed into a goofball and fits right in with our family. He is a lover of naps, which also fits right into our family, but has grown fond of mirrors and the television. He is a former racing dog from Florida and we have access to his family tree which I love to look through! He won only one race under the name 'Springwater AJ' on the 21st of April, 2017 (video replay), and retired in June, around the same time we lost Sierra. I am going to have to record that video replay as they don't stay on the website forever and I love how he came from behind and how excited the announcer gets!
  AJ is obsessed with JA, which is what we call his reflection that he loves to look at/tries to interact with. I can't wait for him to meet other dogs and learn that not all dogs are greyhounds! I am still looking into getting an emotional support animal and it will be very important that the two of them will get along as he will be their uncle and a very important role model in their lives, even if they are older than AJ...
  Anyways AJ loves his football toy, mostly because it has treats in it! He is very content to lay on his bed with his football, a blanket draped over him, and TV on to whatever morning television show is on at the time. He is a very big fan of Good Morning America but I have a feeling he would like late night TV as well. I think he likes the applause because obviously, they are applauding for him.
  It is still strange to think Sierra is gone, and I find myself constantly comparing AJ to her, but in a good way. He knows how to get what he wants just like she did, but he seems to have a more compassionate approach while Sierra would just glare at you until someone did what she wanted. AJ is also more playful than I remember her being, but I was in elementary school when she was AJ's age so maybe I just remember her as an elderly dog. He loves the ear scratches I give, rubbing my knuckle on the inside of their ear, just like Sierra did. They can't share collars as greyhounds need a special kind but I am hoping he can wear some of her holiday bandannas as we come up to some this Spring. Even though I was very excited about getting a new dog I secretly worried that it wouldn't feel right having another dog be the fifth member of our household but AJ fits right in. We had never lost a dog before and as hard as it was, getting another dog was the right decision for us. AJ helps us reflect on the happy times with Sierra and makes remembering her just that much easier. 
  I would like to thank Greyhound Pets Inc.  where we got AJ for being so wonderful to AJ and his brothers that have stayed there before. I love seeing the pictures of the greyhounds and hope to bring AJ to some events at their kennel so he can reconnect with his friends. I am head-over-heels in love with this boy and cannot wait to get to know him more!

~MG

My First College 'Party'

Have I mastered clickbait? I was pretty proud when I came up with that title :)

So the other night I went to a rootbeer kegger thrown by a Christian organization on campus. I was really pleased that some of the dorms have a bible study group and that there are plenty of choices so if one doesn't seem like a good fit I can try another one.

For those of you who went to church with me, you might have noticed that I left SPC after 11th grade. I was very displeased with the leadership and the way the student leadership was run and decided to leave leading and the church in general since I didn't feel like I really belonged. I worshiped on my own but wasn't getting as much out of it as I wanted to. I was really looking forward to getting into a group when I went off to school.

I think what I am most looking forward to is exploring the various denominations of Christianity. I was a Presbyterian for a long time, mostly because that was just the kind of church I went to. I really liked that they approved of gay marriage since that is not often a belief many Christian churches I have been exposed to endorse, granted it has been a very long time since I went to a different church so maybe things have changed. I also liked that women were welcome to be pastors, but that might be common in other Christian denominations too.

I am looking forward to growing my faith this year and having God by my side as I start life on my own and learn how to be my own person.

 ~MG

Starting College

Friday is the day, my move-in day that is. I know many of my peers have already started college but I start class September 20th and move in on the 15th.  It feels like I am starting high school all over again, just with the addition of not living at home. I am not going to a 'party school' but I still picture going into college and just seeing streamers and red solo cups everywhere, random person from class doing a keg stand in the corner. Just like I kind of expected someone to burst into song on my first day of high school, what can I say? High School Musical was still pretty fresh in my mind at 14. Now that I am actually a Wildcat I have a feeling students are actually more likely to burst into song just because we share the same mascot, but that's beside the point.

I don't really know how to feel about starting college, I am excited to be on my own and making new friends and working towards finding what I want to do with my life, but also I already miss my job and I know I am going to miss family, my bed, and my privacy. I think once I get there and get into a routine, I'll be fine, but just waiting to go is stressful. I don't feel prepared and definitely not near as rested as I wanted to be.
I already declared my major, Public Relations, and am excited to see what options that leads to. I am also in the Honors College and can't wait for the special classes they offer. This first quarter I am taking a journaling class and am curious what we are going to do with it.
If anyone has any tips for starting college or being a Communications/Public Relations major please comment!

~MG 

High School, College and Life Update

  Okay so there are a few things I want to cover in this post. A little bit about my school life, some details on how I am doing with my anxiety, and some other general stuff. There might even be a rant about windows 10 in here....
  Today I started winter quarter, which also happens to be my second to last quarter until I graduate high school! *Insert confetti and balloons here* 2017 is finally here, the year I've been defined by my entire life. 2017 always seemed so far away, I can still remember posing in a giant 17 with all the other members of the 5th grade at my school thinking I would never graduate. Time just went so slowly back then, while now it months seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's just me, but graduation day isn't something I look forward to. Graduating, yes, but graduation, no thank you. Perhaps it's that most of my experience at high school I was either in a state of panic (thanks anxiety) or worrying about how my mom was doing after a chemo treatment. Perhaps it's because of all of the drama with people or how much more I enjoyed college classes and how I could actually study what I wanted to. My parents already know that the only reason I'm attending high school graduation is for them, and honestly I would rather be home studying for my college finals which are the week after. When I get there I have a feeling it will be fine, and hopefully I sit next to someone I don't know, which isn't hard in a class of 500+. I didn't even know everyone at my 5th grade graduation, so I have a feeling it will be a lot of names I don't know. For me graduation will represent not only being free from high school but also from the insane atmosphere of my school district. I cannot even describe how damaging I think the way my school district is run to students physical and mental health. This could be a whole other post, but basically the gist is that kids are getting overworked, not sleeping enough due to massive amounts of homework, and having so much pressure that it is no wonder so many kids have anxiety and depression here.
  The main reason I actually wrote this post was to talk about something that I've debated putting on here for a very long time. So here it is. December 31st, 2016 was the third anniversary of my last official self-harming session. I have no scars, so it was easy to keep hidden. I try to be pretty open about my anxiety, but for some reason self-harming is still something I have a hard time owning up to. It was something I was ashamed of for a very long time, but being that it has been three years now I think it's about time I start talking about it. Self-harming is not something to be ashamed of. Now I'm not saying its a good thing, but for people who have done it or actively self-harm it isn't something we should have to hide. Self-harming, at least for me, was as a result of my anxiety and depression, a lot of which came from school. I was in almost all the honors classes in middle school, when I first started, and the pressure started to get to me. I got my first A- out of a class and I broke down. Then in 8th grade I started Spanish. No matter how much I studied, I would often get D's or F's on tests. Granted I got a C out of the class which wasn't all that bad, I couldn't cope. I had never gotten a poor score before, and couldn't see how things would get better as school kept getting harder. Self-harming was a punishment, a way to let out my frustration, or just something to do. I remember once doing it when I was on the phone. For me I hid most of my cuts, but there were times when people saw and didn't do anything. That was what bothered me the most. PE teachers would see them as I had to wear short sleeves in that class, I wrote that I cut in the little bio we had to turn into the counselors at the start of 8th grade and no one contacted me, etc. I remember many times having cuts and my mom dragging me clothes shopping, as I hate that most of all, and only trying on clothes that would cover up my cuts and making sure to be able to not need any help in the dressing room. Basically what I'm saying is that while it's something I regret doing, I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It was a part of my mental health journey and throughout all the hell I've gone through these past few years with panic attacks and agoraphobia I have never cut once. Have I thought about it? Heck yeah, but it gets easier to focus on other things the more years pass. Telling my mom I self-harmed is still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I wish I had someone to help me figure out how to approach her. I still haven't given her very many details, and couldn't own up to how long I had been doing it (I think it was 2 1/2 years at that point, but I believe I only admitted to a few months). I will be posting some resources at the bottom of this post, but the thing that helped me the most was the Butterfly project. I will link a description of that as well.
  Okay tiny windows 10 rant. We got an Xbox One Slim for Christmas, which still seems weird to me. I always feel like a spoiled rich kid when telling people that, but anyways that was our big gift. So we set it up and it has a windows 10 format. Which, btw Microsoft, sucks. So we set it up and there is this family settings thing. Despite being listed as an adult account, my internet now won't work on my laptop without getting 'parent's permission' first. It's a bit of a pain when I accidentally close the internet or something. So I get to have a fun night with my dad messing with my laptop trying to get my internet to work again. Right now I have to use his Microsoft account to get onto my laptop, which is fine but all my bookmarks and programs aren't on this account. :(
  Before I end this let me just give a little update on this quarter and my anxiety. My teachers and classes all seem really great. My anxiety was still pretty high today, but I managed to do alright this weekend which was surprising. I am glad that every quarter my anxiety seems to improve, and that I no longer have to constantly be moving to have something to focus on other than my anxiety and the nausea it produced.
  Also I created a master list of all the things I need to bring to college next year. I've picked my college officially so I know what climate to pack for which is nice. If anyone wants a copy of that let me know. I currently have it in a google doc but I can email the text or convert it to a word document.

National Suicide Prevention Line: Call 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
*online support is also available on this, click the link
Samaritans Crisis Response Hotline- (212) 673-3000
Other resources including teenage pregnancy and AIDS
Butterfly Project -note that there is a project by this same name that refers to the Holocaust, this is not what I'm referring to. 

Have a great day!!

~MG

Dogaholic

  As many of you know, as I talk about every time I see someone, I work at a dog daycare. I've been there a year on December 1st, a year which has only increased my love of my furry friends. Working there full time over the summer especially helped me increase both my passion and my confidence with them, and now I constantly sit down on the floor and just let the dogs climb in my lap and lick my face since I know they would never hurt me. I've even become obsessed with a breed other than German Shepherds, Vizslas!
  Going through my depression and anxiety has been hard, and there is still many days I want to just give up. Days where all I want to do is sleep and maybe watch Netflix. There are some nights where I don't even want dessert! My mind races about college and scholarships and broken friendships and things I've said and homework... the list goes on. When a dog is licking my face or is curled up in my lap, I find it very hard to feel sad. I trust my dogs more than I do anyone else. They never care how broken out my face is, how anxious I am, what I say, or even how tired I am. They are always there to lick away my tears or warm me up when I have a cold flash (hot and cold flashes can occur in people with anxiety, fyi).
  Knowing that for the next few years I'll be in college and won't be allowed to have a dog brings me to tears. Dogs have been the only thing that has made me feel normal again since my first panic attack 2 years ago on Halloween. I do not qualify for an emotional support dog as I can still 'function normally' in society. And yes, technically if you live in a house off campus you can get a pet, but I doubt as a college student I would be able to afford a dog.
  This week was long, this week was hard, this week I felt very sick. But every day I knew that I had a group of dogs waiting for me who love me more than I love myself, and that is what keeps me going. Sometimes when I feel like giving up, I think about how strong I have had to be to get to this point, and how becoming agoraphobic again wouldn't let me see my babies every weekday. When my stomach is so upset I don't want to eat or even move, I always find hope in my dogs. I think about Indie whom I love beyond words; or Odo who always comes to my side when two dogs start playing or I sit on the floor so he can protect me. I think about Sunny who loves to howl with me and is always ready for a snuggle, or Dante who always smiles at me (OMG it is so cute).
  These dogs have given me motivation, have given me my life back, even if it is just the few hours I am with them I feel as though I matter and I can be myself. Anxiety and depression is very isolating, often I feel so frustrated with my own thoughts I lash out at others with my words. But dogs, they could honestly care less what you say as long as you say it in a baby voice and maybe jump around a bit. These dogs mean the world to me, and every day I go to work I know it's just one more day of memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

~MG

Starting Senior Year

  Three days from now I start my senior year of high school. This summer has been one of my most fulfilling and exciting ones yet. I worked full time at my job at a dog daycare, volunteered at girl scout camp like I do every summer, and that's about it. Working full time gave me a purpose I haven't felt in a long time. Plus I got to play with dogs all day, so huge bonus there. Work was stressful at times, and I always come home smelly and dirty, but I felt good at the end of the day.
Suddenly I'm forced to go back to school and finish my last year of high school. Suddenly every conversation is about college, my job, or scholarship deadlines. It feels as if I was given a glimpse at the happy Madison, the one who joked with her coworkers and always had a cute dog story. At the same time, I would be so tired by the end of the week I stopped hanging out or even texting my friends. While I am friends with my coworkers, we're at work and can't just sit and watch a movie. No I take that back, I have done that at work. We let the older dogs watch Disney movies and it's adorable.

  It's weird walking around town and thinking "hey isn't that, wait no, they're at college now. You probably won't see them around town for a while, if ever again." It's a weird feeling, knowing my childhood and everything in it is soon to be left behind. Even the house I grew up in and the dog that protected it are in their last years. I wasn't expecting to be so reflective this year, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the past and how things will never be like that again. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, everyone grows up, but I'll miss walking down to a friends house for a sleepover, or camping in the backyard with my family and our loyal protector who would probably sleep through anything. Everything is going to be gone, even my job. The job I love more than I thought one could love a job. Or the fact that when I have a bad dream my parents won't be down the hall to talk it over in the morning. So this year, I'm trying to focus on the present, all the things that aren't going to last, and make as many memories as I can.

  My internal dialogue keeps switching from "this year is going to be great, you'll make friends and get good grades," to "you can't do this. Why did you think you could do this? Nobody will want to be friends with you, you're to broken." I could go on, but you get the point. I am doing a lot better than I was even just a few months ago, like today when I was curled up in a ball in the shower from being sick to the stomach due to anxiety, instead of thinking "I can't do this," I thought, "how can I do this?" Despite the fact that everyday I get closer to school starting the more my stomach hurts, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't had a panic attack, nor have I cried about it (yet).
Sometimes I feel as thought the world is closing in around me, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and I can't breathe. Then suddenly I'm at work with dogs all around me, cuddling with me, kissing my face, and just being happy, I remember that it'll pass. I'll get through that first day of school, figuring out where to sit and when to leave for the bus. I'll get through the depression and the anxiety, the loneliness and the fear, because even when I'm having the worst day, I always get to go to work and snuggle with some dogs who love me no matter what.

~MG

Back To School

So for many of you today is back to school, time to start our Junior year of high school. For me, today is just another day of summer. I've been asked many times if I regret choosing to go to Bellevue College, and the answer will always remain no, but on days like this sometimes I can't help but wonder if I made the right choice. 

Don't get me wrong, I love being alone. I need the time to recover and replenish my energy, but sometimes too much alone time can do the opposite. As someone who fights both anxiety and depression time alone with my thoughts I sometimes the worst thing I can do. So I try and distract myself, spending hours getting ready and putting on makeup even if I'm not going out of the house except to get the mail. I try and focus on a television show or book, right now Vampire Diaries and The Heir by Kierra Cass, but sometimes that doesn't cut it. Sometimes all I want is to be reminded of how much I am still needed and wanted in this crazy world. I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people in my life, including my family. I honestly wouldn't be here without them. I would never had left the house and started learning how to control my anxiety. I would never have travelled to Mexico to build houses with some of the most inspiring people I know. 

My head is constantly at war with itself that sometimes all I want to do is sleep and wake up when everything is better, when I have everything figured out. Lately I've realized that wishing away my problems doesn't do anything, I have to learn to adapt and surround myself with situations that challenge me and peor that love me. That's the only way I've found to survive this crazy world, to rely on love, faith, and just a little bit of wonder for the things in life that are way beyond us ever being able to comprehend.

I leave you with this bible verse that helps me when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. Have a wonderful school year!

~MG

Almost 17 Without a Licence and Other Labels

As many of you who know me personally know that I hate driving. I get asked a lot why, and honestly sometimes I want to make up answers. But the truth is while I love being in control of most everything, especially group projects, taking other people's lives into my own hands and having to trust every other driver out there with mine, is something that is hard for me to handle. Freshman year in health we were given a presentation on car wrecks, complete with graphic pictures and terrible stories. I didn't even look at most of the pictures and I still came out shaken. Thinking that not only could that person hanging onto life be me, but that I could do that to someone else. And honestly, having to live with myself knowing I killed a person would be hard, but knowing I put an innocent 17 year old in a nursing home for the rest of their life, I don't know if I could ever recover from something like that. Sometimes I wonder if that's just an excuse, that I'm really more scared of dying or being in such terrible condition to wish that I had died, but honestly the thought of living knowing that I robbed someone of their life sends chills down my spine just thinking about it. While I still am working hard to get my Licence, I'm okay with being the last person to get it. I'm okay having to ask people for rides or taking the bus. And that's just something I've learned about myself, I don't have to do the normal expectations to be happy.

I don't know if that really counted as a label, but one that I often get is goody-two-shoes. I have been getting this for years, and I'm sure it's said behind my back. It used to hurt me, make me mad and such. However I'm learning to deal with this just like being asked over and over why I don't drive at my age. To me, I'd rather be a rule follower and have fun without worrying about being caught doing something illegal than feeling like I had this second life no one could know about. This isn't to say I'm a perfect person or was a perfect child. I talked back, I lied, but I tried really had to make my parents proud. As an older sibling I was alway taught I should lead by example, so I did my best to be good and such. It was also just how I was raised, while I may slip up and get rebellious or something, I always knew that my parents would be there telling me to do the right thing. I was taught to speak correct English, I was taught that if mom said no don't be a brat and do it anyways (though I broke this rule numerous times). Especially when I accepted Christ into my life, it really helped when people would call me that. I started to look at it as a compliment, that I was following Jesus as best I could despite having human flaws. 

Honestly, at the end of the day the only labels that really matter are the ones you put on yourself. And if those are negative, find a way to change that. For me, meditation has been helping me become a more positive and confident person. Find your way to stay happy. 

~MG

A Life Changing Week

Back in January I signed up for what ended up being the most life-changing week I probably will ever have. What did I do this week you ask? I traveled with my church to Tijuana, Mexico to build seven houses for seven families and change lives.

I had always heard amazing things about this trip and decided that I was going to go when I was entering my junior year. Well, that would be this year. When it was finally time to turn in the paperwork it still didn't seem real, after all, it was months away. 

Suddenly school was over and I was about to head to the airport and everything became very real. My dad was going with me so that offered me some comfort, but for someone who doesn't travel far from home very often I was quite scared. 

We arrived early in the morning, no, earlier than early in the morning. 5:15 am early to be exact. Still pretty much asleep I walked into the airport after saying goodbye to my mom and brother only to find out that the flight that was supposed to take all 80+ of us to San Diego was cancelled. Not delayed, cancelled. The hours that followed were some of the craziest of my life. Splitting the mob of us up into 10+ airplanes was no easy task, but somehow we managed to all get down to San Diego before sunset. 

The next morning came the daunting task of crossing the border. I don't know if you have ever tried to cross into Mexico but it was not exactly a calm experience. My dad was driving the van that my group was sitting in, keep in mind he knows no Spanish, and pulled up too far due to a misunderstanding. Watching the guards tighten their grip on their machine guns that looked like they were taken straight out of one of my video games was enough to make me fear for my life. In the end we crossed the border with all our parts intact but there was a moment where I wasn't quite sure. 

If you know me at all you will know that my gifts are not physical, so the thought of building a house wasn't exactly an exciting one. Looking at the lot of dirt and trying to communicate in my very broken Spanish to the homeowner, Luis, was overwhelming. But we eventually started the task of leveling the ground. This involved a lot of pickaxes and shoveling, but eventually we got to the end of the day with a lot left to do. 

The second day was known throughout the group as 'Concrete Day', also the hardest and longest day of the week. Once the concrete was started there was no stopping until it was done. And we didn't have a machine, we had bags of concrete, gravel mixed with sand, and barrels of water. After finally getting the ground level and the wood set up to keep the concrete in place, it was time to pour in the water and start creating a foundation. 

The days passed both slowly and quickly. The cold showers were far from refreshing, and the constant water drinking was annoying. However there was a few moments that will stand out forever in my mind. 

One of the nights, keep in mind we were staying at an orphanage, we ate dinner with all of the children. I didn't end up sitting at a table with any of them, but after dinner saw them out on the playground and decided to join them. There were two little boys, no more than three, who ended up getting mad and flipping each other off, and then there were two little girls who came up to me and two of my friends. Somehow with the little Spanish we knew and the little English they knew we were able to play duck duck goose, got your nose, and airplane. At one point they were hugging me and my two friends and said, in Spanish of course, "three mamas," and smiled. 

The last day of building there were three little girls on the site, one that was going to be living in the house and two of her cousins. I had put a hand print on my pants and when the saw that and some paint their eyes lit up. Not only did they like putting their hand prints on all of us but they were also addicted to paining in general. Trying to get a paintbrush back from them to do some touch-up work was like trying to take a puppy away from me. At the end of the day another cousin, a little boy about 3 joined us and we sat in a circle and played a camp favorite of mine, quack diddly oso. Not only did they get addicted to this they also had us write it out so they could play it after we left. 

When I asked the father of the house, Luis, when they would be moving in, he replied with Monday. That was yesterday. Thinking of them living in the house just a little bigger than my living room makes me smile wider than I ever have before. Knowing that my group, the blue team, and the other six groups were able to provide seven families with a new shot at a better life for them and their children makes me beam with pride. 

Coming back to the U.S. and it's technology, people that don't just wave to you on the streets, and constant stress was a bit of a shock. To be honest it was nice to be away from my phone, facebook, constant anxiety, etc. Not only did my anxiety get better for most of the trip, I made so many great connections with people I probably would've never talked to let alone see at their weakest if it weren't for this trip. 

I am so glad to have gone on this trip and if you would like to see more about it go to the blog for the trip at http://tijuana15.blogspot.com/?m=0

Here is one of my favorite songs from the trip that we sang at the end of everyday:

Slow me down, oh Lord, slow me down. 

Help my heart to hear your sound. 

Speak into me life, Lord speak now. 

Slow me down, oh Lord, slow me down. 

Clear my mind, oh Lord, clear my mind. 

Bring me peace that I cannot find. 

Take my worried thoughts, break my pride. 

Clear my mind, oh Lord, clear my mind. 

Wake my soul, oh Lord, wake my soul. 

With this mess I've made, make me whole. 

Of this life called mine, take control. 

Wake my soul, oh Lord, wake my soul. 

Slow me down, oh Lord, slow me down. 

Help my heart to hear your sound.  

Speak into my life, Lord speak now. 

Slow me down, oh Lord, slow me down.

~MG

Having Faith in the Dark

  Many of you know me, know I love dogs, know I love Xbox gaming, etc. But maybe something you didn't know is that I am a Christian, though I try and make it kind of hard to miss. I am a devoted follower of Christ and will be for the remainder of my life. However my struggle with God has been a long one, one that I know will continue for the rest of my life.

  It started when I was very young, first grade or so. I didn't really go to church much but friends brought me sometimes, so I at least knew a little about God and the Bible. My grandmother was suffering from terminal breast cancer, something I didn't quite fully understand at the time. I can still remember this little glass stone we had with an angel inside of it we used to rub when we prayed for her. In the end though, she lost her battle. I remember the wake, basically it's just a service with an open casket where people tell stories. I was too young to fully understand it at the time, I spent most of it playing barbies to be honest with you. If I close my eyes I'm back in that room, that room that I knew had a door leading to my grandmother's casket. I didn't understand death, I decided not to see her. The next day we went to the funeral, I remembered the smoke they used smelled bad and that I got to shake the pastor's hand. I can still remember not being able to wait to get out of the lunch afterwords because my parents were taking my brother and I to the toy store. It was only years later that her death finally registered. I can remember when I was probably 9-10 years old seeing a cancer treatment center ad on TV and crying. I remember being angry that she couldn't have gone there and been saved, couldn't have lived to see me again. That was one of my first doubts of God. 

  Fast forward a few years and the Rescission hits.  It was probably about 5th grade the first time I realized I couldn't do what the other kids could because we didn't have the money. We couldn't travel, we couldn't buy the newest gaming system or toy. I can still go right back into those moments when I was so angry that everyone else got to go away for spring break or have their mom home to greet them when they came back from school. And just when things finally started to look up we were sent right back down the same path. I was in 8th grade and went to church at least twice a month. I struggled with why God would let me suffer this way. My grades started to suffer for the first time in my life, everything seemed to be falling apart. 

  Finally by the start of my 9th grade year things started to look up. My parents both worked full-time, my brother and I were both in perfect health, everything was great. And then came one of the two periods of my life I will never forget. It was Christmas, everything was amazing. And then my mom got sick. She went into the doctor and when I came home exhausted from my first day of high school finals I got the worst news in my life. My mom had cancer. At that point I was ready to give up, give up on God, give up on myself, just give up. My mom had surgery and the results came back. She would have to go through radiation and chemo but she would live. She would live. I don't know if I've ever heard better words. My family grew closer during those months of chemo. We unified and we struggled and we fought, but in the end we emerged victorious. 

  Now for a quick recap of the post My Story I posted a few months ago. I was in math class back in November and I started to feel very strange. Little did I know this was only the beginning. After a few more weeks of on and off 'episodes' I found out I was having anxiety/panic attacks. It became hard for me to leave the house, it was even hard for me in the house. I was constantly at war with myself and the only place I found joy was in my sleep. I was, again, ready to give up. Where was God and why would he do this to me? Why would he allow me to go through this, what had I done to deserve this?

  I finally reached a conclusion that I still struggle with. If bad things didn't happen everyone would have the same story and that would be boring. If I hadn't gone through the struggles I had I wouldn't be the person I am today. If Ellen DeGeneres hadn't had the life she had and ended with her not only coming out on TV but playing a gay character, the world might not be the same as it is today. Our stories are what help us to change the world, and God knows that. It's just a matter of trusting God that what he has planned for you isn't the end, but instead just the beginning...

Everything Has Changed

I found myself today realizing that my life as I know it won't be the same for much longer. Everything is changing, or at least a lot of it. Suddenly school is getting out in less than two months and that means basically that is the last time I will walk the halls of my high school as a student, as I'm doing running start next year. I tried eating with another friend at lunch this week and that has been a huge change. All of these changes and one event in my European Studies class got me thinking.
So here's how it went down. I was sitting in my sit flipping through my planner when I came across one blank day, the first Friday in January. I tried to remember why I hadn't filled it out. That's when it occurred to me. That was the week I finally figured everything out in regards to my panic attacks (See my post My Story for more details). I looked at that Wednesday and all the memories started flooding back to me. I then looked to the Tuesday and this thought occurred in my mind: Did I realize I had less than 24 hours before my life was about to throw me a curve ball?
That thought got me thinking of all the days in my life that would change everything. Because that's all it takes really. Not even that. How long does it take to say a sentence? Less than a minute?
And the memories start to flood back to me in what seems like a random order. Sitting on the couch being told my mom has cancer. Meeting certain friends for the first time. Walking into a classroom that would forever change my perspective on life.
All of these bits and pieces of my life that somehow add up to the person that I am today, sitting here in my bed typing this blog post. This person that I struggle with, this person that sometimes I wish would just leave me alone. But that isn't physically possible, is it? The one person we have to get along with is ourselves, because that is the one person we can never be separated from. And even when we feel broken or useless or just plain tired we will recover. How do I know this? You've made it this far, haven't you.
Sometimes when I'm having a particularly hard day, like today, I think about this photo above. When I'm sitting in a test and totally blanking, which managed to happen to me twice today, I think about this. I think about how I only have to make it a few more weeks before I go into college classes. I think about how one test isn't going to determine my future, and if it does then I'm not so sure that's exactly what I was to do with my life. I'm not going to Yale or Harvard or anything like that, I don't need straight A's. And with my half-birthday coming up I'm suddenly 6 months closer to being 17. And as much as that scares me, it's also kind of exciting. At least for about the first month suddenly I won't be in the same routine every day 9 months out of the year. I'll have 3 classes for 11 weeks and then a week off and then suddenly I'll have 3 new classes. This transition takes me just one step closer to adulthood, to being out of my teens and independent and such. Sometimes my mind wanders that far into the future, as it did today, but for right now I just have to take it one day at a time.

~MG

Just Another Box on The Mantel

I met my grandfather (on my mother's side) a few months ago for the first time. He lives with us now, he doesn't talk much. Why? He's on the mantel in a box among photos and stained glass and vases. As I mentioned before I never met my grandfather. He died about a year before I was born so I rely mostly on what my relatives tell me. Does this bother me? Maybe a little but that's not why I'm writing this. So why am I? Let me tell you.
These last few months I've been living in constant fear, thanks to my anxiety, but I'm slowly starting to realize that if I live the rest of my life in fear some day I'll just be another name and another box on someone's mantel. Well hopefully not just anyone's but you get my point. There are so many people on this earth and so few of them get remembered. They kind of addressed this in The Fault in Our Stars.  This whole theme of oblivion is inevitable and we might as well accept it.
But what if I don't want to accept it? What if I don't want to just be another grave or another box? What if I want to do something, something big and inspiring and helpful?
This whole thought of oblivion is kind of intimidating. I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of dying. Dying without finishing everything. But, going back to TFIOS, you end life in the middle of a sentence. You don't, typically, get to chose when and how you die but you do get to chose what you do with your life. And I'm tired of spending mine in fear, fear of my anxiety, fear of failure, fear of not being the best, so many fears I just want to let go.
So maybe I won't change the world, but if I can change someone's world, some girl scout I led or some fellow classmate then, technically, I accomplished my goal.
I learned a trick today I thought I'd share with you. Basically you create a place in your mind you can go that's just for you. It could be a beach, a room, a garden. Mine happens to be a library. I could go into detail but that would go on for pages. But the main focus is a blue velvet chair that I sit in and just relax. I don't have to worry about my anxiety, I don't have to worry about people, I don't have to worry.
I hope you can do the same, it's kind of nice having a place all my own that no one can get to, no one can see what I'm doing or mess with my books. It's a good thing to have, something to fall back on. Even though I'm still young I wish I had learned some of these things years ago, but I'm so glad to learn them now and can use them for the rest of my life.



~MG

The Smart Kid with the Bad Grades

Typically I find that people are strongest either in mind, body, or spirit. Meaning that someone is (typically, put it in again for emphasis) either really good at sports, talking/helping people, or is very intelligent. As a kid I wasn't the best with people and I was a horrible athlete so I was the 'smart kid'.

For me school was pretty easy. 6th grade got a little harder and it just continued. Suddenly in 8th grade I couldn't keep up. My grades were 'terrible', granted now I would die for those grades back but I'll get to that in a second. I didn't know how to handle having lower than an A in a class. Heck in 7th grade I got 1 A- and I was mad. Suddenly with my anxiety it became harder for me to focus and I told myself that once I was a bit better I wouldn't worry about my grades. As I am doing quite a bit better with my anxiety I've been working on my grades. My current grades? 2 C+, 1 B+, 3 A's. Yup, I'm telling you my grades. 

At first I was horrified. A C? Then 2 C's? I was a wreck to say the least. Now I'm working on coming to terms with it and figuring out how I can do better with the situation I'm in. Either it be from a hard teacher/unit or my anxiety.

Someone said something to me last week that actually inspired this whole post. We were talking about a Social Studies quiz we had taken and she asked me what I got. When I told her an 82, she replied with "But you're the smart one." That single sentence has been on my mind since she said that. This whole concept of 'the smart one'. What does that even mean?!

Another thing. I don't know if this is everywhere but especially where I live you aren't 'smart' unless you're in advanced. Regular math, which our district is actually a year ahead in regular, is considered stupid math. If you have to be held back from stupid math then you're just an idiot. Then there's LASS. If you can take honors/AP you better take it or you're not smart. Another thing. If I'm taking 4 hard classes and 2 easy ones and have 4 B's and 2 A's, and John (generic name) is taking 4 easy classes and 2 hard ones and gets 2 B's and 4 A's he's deemed smarter than me. Maybe this is just the way I view things but from the way people talk in my classes these are the conclusions I've drawn, especially about the grade thing. 

Last topic before I end my little rant here, a friend of mine told me he's taking AP Chem, AP Calculus and Physics along with 3 other high school classes and Running Start (college classes). I'm positive this is for college. When did we all become so obsessed with college? I know it's close now and we all want to get in and make ourselves a great future and everything, but honestly, in my opinion, is the school really going to matter? You can have so many wonderful adventures at a school even if it isn't Harvard or Yale or someplace with a really high GPA requirement. When I look back on my high school life I want to remember campfires and camps and drama class not 12 hours of homework locked in my room. I would honestly rather live life now than do a whole bunch of stuff to look good on a college application when I most likely won't need a lot to where I can afford. 

This whole 'smart one' concept frustrates me so much, and I don't think I would've even thought of it if these past few months hadn't happened. 

   

~MG

My Story

So as many of you who have been following my blog know what's been going on in my life these past couple months, I think it's time to tell the people I'm close enough to to accept their friend request to know. Pretty much this sums up the last few months of posts...

It all started back in I believe November. I was sitting in math class, 1st period. All of the sudden I started to shake, not a lot but enough that it was hard to write, I felt sick, my entire body felt like that feeling when your foot falls asleep. I had to stand up in the middle of class and ask to go to the nurse. I thought I was dying, I thought my appendix had burst, I thought more thoughts in those few minutes than probably I have my entire life. So I went to the nurse, told them my symptoms, and they told me to lie down. They said if I wasn't any better in 10 minutes to go home. Eventually I was able to go back to class, I got a lot of weird looks, and felt fine the rest of the day.

A few weeks later that same feeling came over me as I was walking into Spanish, and then I was fine. I told my mom and she talked it over with my aunt, a nurse, and we figured it was nothing.

Shortly after winter break I was sitting in Chemistry taking notes when the feeling came over me again. I was about to ask to go to the nurse when the bell rang and I felt better. I still went to the nurse just in case. They told me the same 10 minute thing again, but I only had 1 period left so I decided to go back to class. As soon as I got in I knew it was a bad idea. Within a few minutes I was back down in the nurses office calling my mom in tears.

It was that day we finally figured out what was going on. Those episodes I was having were panic attacks. And this was just getting started.

I went back to school the next day and was sitting in 2nd period when an attack came on. I tried to deal, I went to the bathroom and tried to wait it out, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to stop them. I went home and didn't go to school the next day.

Finally I was able to get some medicine to stop my panic attacks and learned ways to stop them if they did happen. I was doing fine until the side effects started to kick in. Nausea. I was nauseous that whole month I was on it, and it was awful.

Eventually I got off that medicine and was put on a different one, but the nausea decided to stay. How nice of it right? The nausea made me more and more anxious until finally it came to the point where I feared leaving the house.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still don't know a ton about it but at least I now know what it is.

This is currently where I'm at. Feeling sick every time I leave the house, every time I think about leaving the house. Thankfully I have some wonderful people I would like to quickly mention.

First off, my wonderful parents who push me to still go to church and eat and hang out with friends. They are always there for me and I know they won't let me quit.

Two shout outs to fellow students. Laura, I would like to thank you so much for pushing me to eat at lunch. You don't know how helpful it is to know someone cares and someone wants me to get better. And Elle, when I left class for a few minutes and came back right before the bell to find you packing my stuff for me and asking if I was okay, I nearly cried with joy. You two have no idea how much your actions mean to me.

If you've read this far I'm impressed! Really quick I would just like to say that while I'm struggling with this I'm trying to be grateful it is something I can overcome. And I think that is a wonderful lesson. While you may be stressing about a test or something at work, try and remember somebody has it worse. That doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't suck, but it could always get worse. Remember we only get one shot at this, why waste it feeling sorry for yourself?



~MG

Anxiety Tips

So if you've been following my posts for about the last month you already know I suffer from anxiety disorder with panic attacks. I currently still have many of the side effects such as hot/cold flashes, severe chest pain and nausea (the best one obviously, note my sarcasm). I decided to do some research and I know I am not alone with this problem, though it may feel like it, so I wanted to share my findings and hopefully help someone else even if none of these work for me. Also you don't have to have an anxiety disorder to try these, these are generally good ways to release stress.

1) Yoga
So I am currently in a yoga class in school and love it. For almost 45 minutes a day I get to relax and just breath. While it is relaxing you can also feel good that many of the poses can also get you a workout as well! It's also easy to do at home even if you don't have a yoga mat. There are many youtube videos that will walk you through a series of moves that work well.

2) 4, 7, 8
This is one is really simple and you can do it anywhere, anytime, as many times as you need. I learned this one recently and it helps a lot. All you do is breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, and breathe out for 8 seconds. Try it right now and you'll immediately start to feel more relaxed. This is also a good way to relax to go to sleep.

3) Tensing of the muscles
This one I usually do before bed but can be done at any time, generally. You start by tensing your toes, then your calf, and so on including your back, your face and finally all of them at once. Generally I try and hold them for about 5-10 seconds, but normally by the end I'm at 2-4 seconds per muscle.

4) Positive Affirmations
I use this one a lot too. Basically what you do is you talk to yourself, in your head or out loud, with positive expressions. My most frequent one is "This too shall pass". This one is great and can be used anywhere!

5) Mindfulness
This one is a bit hard to explain so I'm just going to link to this article and you can read it for yourself. This one can be hard but it gets easier over time.

6) Laughter
Seriously, just smiling in the mirror or watching a funny YouTube video can change your mood. Here are a few to get you started.

Hope this helps! Hope you all have a wonderful day and remember


~MG